The Open Source Zealot

the Open Source Zealot
(part 2 in a series on developer stereotypes)

ignorance
n: the lack of knowledge or education
-WordNet ® 1.6, © 1997 Princeton University

zealot
n: a fervent and even militant proponent of something
-WordNet ® 1.6, © 1997 Princeton University

(can you imagine the fucking damage that can ensue when the above two words decide to get together...)

over the years there has been much written about the rather, shall we say...enthusiastic nature of the Open Source Zealot. (hopefully i will be able to contribute something original to literature...) to be honest, i couldn't give a shit about open source software. it's like anything else on the goddamn planet. some of it is good, and some of it (ok, much of it) just sucks. i see no difference between this and any other kind of software. however, i am fascinated (and always amused) by the people who are so fucking utterly engrossed with this shit. they really are a breed apart.

first off, what many people don't know is that there are actually many different kinds of Open Source Zealots. while not being comprehensive, i thought we'd go over a few of the more prominent subspecies (there is also plenty of overlapping):

The Guru
kind, sagely, wise...these are the guys that are usually the most prominent and visible of the Open Source Zealots. they also feel the need to be the self-appointed "voice of the community." personally, i think any community would be pretty fucking suspect if one of their own self-appointed gurus can't even get his fucking printer working. in addition to apparently having problems with their computer peripherals, they feel the need to spew and pontificate by writing books that have such grand and lofty titles as The Art of Unix Programming and the The Cathedral and the Bazaar. Have you ever even been to a bazaar? they are fucking dirty, noisy, full of fucking shady characters, and anybody selling anything is just out to screw you out of your fucking money. you're kidding me, right? this is going to be the software development model of the future? where to do these self-aggrandizing analogies come from? another very important aspect of The Guru is to frame all this bullshit dorkness into a zen like semi-spiritual framework (and thereby unknowingly given even more credence to the term zealot). this approach has several advantages to The Guru, because any logical, rational, or valid argument against his tenets can easily be brushed aside with stock phrases such as, "you just don't understand the spirit of it.", or a particular favorite, "you're not grokking it." these pseudo-philosophical dodges of any contrary viewpoint are just some of the standard techniques employed by The Guru. they also provide a sugar-coating for hiding the real subversive nature of their underlying message which almost always is something along the lines of, "how can you not obviously see how much we are better than them?" another fucking ridiculously annoying technique The Guru uses is the Aunt Tilly metaphor. this is the euphemism used to describe the great unwashed masses who are not part of the techgeek/wank/dork elite who do not "grok it." who the fuck is this lady? where does she fucking come from? does anybody actually have a fucking Aunt Tilly? this whole Aunt Tilly bullshit is one more subversive trick The Guru uses to create a fucking system between those who are part of the fucking cult, and those worthless imbeciles who for whatever reason STILL don't see the One True Way. ok, now that The Guru has revealed his new clothes, why don't we move right along with the...

The Moralist (aka The Anti-Microsoft Bigot)
Unlike The Guru, The Moralist doesn't necessarily need to have any (supposedly) advanced technical skills. (which actually makes them more dangerous.) These fuckers acquire their zealotry through good ol' fashion fundamentalist ignorance. most of it is such spew infested bullshit, it's amazing that anything these people say is being listened to on any level. it usually covers the same tired, ceaselessly beaten to death ideas:

• microsoft is the root of all evil
• bill gates is the anti-christ
• microsoft makes shitty software
• microsoft software is not secure

first off, if you think microsoft is the root of all evil, you just need to be fucking bitch-slapped. i know, i know...you also hold them responsible for world hunger, the plight of the third world country, the increase in reality TV programming, janet jackson's superbowl stunt, and the increase of aids in the porno industry. maybe microsoft is involved in a nefarious plot that all 55,000 of it's employees, millions of people who use their products, and a tremendous amount of businesses all over the world are just ignorant of. next, as far as bill gates is concerned, he has on a personal level AND as part of a corporation done more for computing and humanity than you ever will, you egostical, holier-than-thou, diarrhea filled, piece of ignorant shit. microsoft makes shitty software...and guess what, you fool...that is your opinion. i have no problems with opinions (i'm sure you can tell), but don't confuse your ignorant, misinformed, half-baked opinions with actual facts. that is truly the realm of the close minded (which fits you to a T). finally, microsoft products are insecure...and your point is?? guess what you moronic duechebag...so is every other fucking operating system out there. it doesn't take one fucking iota of intellegence to realize that since microsoft products are the most deployed in the world, that they are going to hit up against the most scrutiny. however, i've always found it so fucking convenient that when any open source products are found to have security holes, the entire community just shuts the fuck up and pretends that nothing is there. i guess you must have some secret fucking clandestine deal with ziff-davis media and slashdot to just keep fucking quiet in these circumstances. you can generally spot these fuckers a mile away because every time they spell microsoft they replace the 's' with a '$'. yeah, real fucking clever... like we haven't seen that before, you paragon of originality. listen, nobody gives a shit that you think that microsoft "broke the law." actually, nobody gives a shit about what you think, period. get a fucking life! you mean you don't have anything better to do than spew out diarrhea regarding your moral stance on corporations and "big business?" what makes this all worth while is that when I calmly ask, "well...what exactly has microsoft done to you?" the only fucking thing that comes out of that fucking dank hole of hypocrisy you call your mouth (or is it your ass) is, "oh, well ah...hmmm......ah..." exactly. ok, let's move on, or i'll really start ranting...

The Slashkiddie
these pre-pubescent, acne ridden, illiterate, kids who have their hands glued to their cocks in a masterbatory frenzy are generally the most harmless of the bunch. i mean, how dangerous can somebody be if all they fucking do all day is hope that their latest masterpiece of exquisitely written prose called a comment on whatever bullshit pseudowank story gets modded to the fabled "+5 insightful" level. however, i pray that that doesn't happen because if it ever does, their going to blow their load all over the decrepit remains of some half-built PC they were modding and die in a bizarre electricution accident - only to have their parents later find them in what could only be a called a "compromising" position. they also have a herd mentality with The Guru as the sheepdog providing guidence and telling them just what to spew out next. you can also tell that your dealing with one of these fuckers because of their incredibly gifted spelling skills. spelling words with z instead of s (as in their favorite phrase "mad skillz"), using abbreviations like r instead of are or u instead of you. in addition to having world class spelling skills, they also seem to have a uncanny mastery of the rules of capitalization. however i have noticed a slight dyslexic tendency to confuse the number 3 with the capital letter E. they also like to use these incredible skills to give themselves really cool names like haXXor, aZZmaZt3r, and cod3mast3r.. personally i think a name like DUMBASS would be much more appropriate. when push comes to shove, once you take their computer and anonymity away from them, they become nothing more than any other pimply-faced teen in search of some hole they can get off on. (for most this will become a lifetime quest.)

aside from these three there is also The Hacker, The Cheap Bastard, and The Crusader (aka The Preacher). fortunately enough for them, they aren't visible enough to merit their own sections. There is also a little bit of The SourceForge Enthusiast in all of them

by the way, Rory Blythe wrote up a fucking hilarious post after having a run in with his very own Open Source Zealot (it's actually better and funnier than anything i can write as well...definitely check it out!)

Comments

[Scott C. Reynolds]

Oh man...keep it coming. This is an awesome blog.

Ever leave a comment on /. that didn't trash Microsoft? Don't bother, nobody will ever see it because it gets insta-modded to -5 astroturfing.

[Bill]

Please be kind and quit your day job and Blog full time. Every post just keeps getting better!

[David Totzke]

Actually, I do have an Aunt Tilly. In truth, she is my great aunt. My Grandmother's sister. She's 96 or so and an absolutely wonderful, joyous and life-filled person. She doesnt' know shit about computers mind you, but that's beside the point.

I catch any of you fucks slaggin' my dear great aunt Tilly and there's going to be trouble!

The next time one of these Guru Azz Wadz mentions here name in vain, you just let me know.

[hgf]

"they also seem to have a uncanny mastery of the rules of capitalization. however i have noticed a slight dyslexic "

hmmm I see a pattern.

Keep it up, funny stuff! ;-)

[causticPhil]

HGF - you got me!! (it was only a matter of time...)

thanks for the encouragement!

[Jonathan Malek]

Funny fucking stuff. Keep the fucking good work up, but I have one tiny fucking request--keep the fucking Glengarry GlenRoss "fuck" routine where it fucking belongs--in the fucking 90's, for fuck's sake. I fucking found myself fucking talking like this for fucking three fucking days after reading your fucking blog.

And now, I beg--please, please promote the last three Zealots that you mention to positions worthy of their own sections. I must know more!

[causticPhil]

jonathan - thanks! i'm glad you brought up glenngarry glennross - one of my all time favorite flicks. i was fortunate enough to see it in the theater and it has now influenced my language for the better part of the decade!!

[Anonymous bastard]

Speaking of proper capitalization, could you capitalize the beginnings of your sentence? It would make your prose that much more readable. I mean, you capitalize words everywhere else, so what's the hang up?

[causticPhil]

as far as the capitalization thing goes, believe it or not, i'm just too damn lazy to use the shift key. i know, i know, that's a lame excuse. if enough people get on my ass about it, maybe i'll start capitalizing. ;)

[david]

see my email address for all that I find wrong with your blog.

[bobh]

I like all this "fucking" talk. It's like on wonkette or being in the Navy.
If you want to hear how these Open Sores guys talk, listen to thelinuxshow. But it's hard to laugh because it's so loser sad.

[Nerdherding for Beginners]

Since were talking about Guru Zealots - you've probably seen this post (http://cadenhead.org/workbench/stories/2004/06/12/eric-s-raymond.html) already but just in case.

Very funny.

[Nerdherding for Beginners]

Whoops - the URL got fucked up by the closing parenthesis. Try http://cadenhead.org/workbench/stories/2004/06/12/eric-s-raymond.html instead.

[dda]

Capitalization:

Maybe write a JavaScript to post-process your pages and capitalize? :=)

Won't help with spelling, of course...

Good grief, I hadn't laughed this hard in quite a while. Thanks for that!

[fudje]

Uh, Ignorant Zealot is a tautaulogy.

Please, you are remiss to forget that there are at least as many fucking ignorant Microsoft zealots out there still that are just as fucking voiceful in their fucking misguided opinions, even on slash-my-dot which I will be the first to admit is the fucking bane of all fucking information searching mofos who actually value a reasonable fucking opinion that is fucking well based on the damned facts. The difference being that more of these fuckers have no fucking technical skills at all.

I found your post funny, even though there was nothing there I didn't already know. BTW, I think the only person who actually believes that ESR is a "Guru" is ESR.

[Vic Berggren]

Preach on... this is spectacular.

Your repeated obscenities take your article from "rant" down to "troll".

Your lack of study in the open source philosphy reveals itself like a beacon of ignorance.

Not that your points in _in general_ are invalid.

Open source people often tend to fall into these categories.

Kindly write better and become more aware of your subject next time.

[Hariharan]

Well, i guess very strong emotions, but i feel every person has a right to his/her own opinion.I personally dont see a software like an open source or commercial, but what i do beleive is that it is truely amazing that the open source community is actually bringing so much of computer literacy all across, guys get to reinvent the wheel to actually see if it was made correct or not. I guess the critique against microsoft acts as a motivating factor for those who are involved in opensource development, some guys like it some dont, we can write stories about personal perception of what people think, but i think the bigger picture is that in a game there are guys who play dirty from both sides, i am sure there is a microsoft side too. But this game is definately going to get the community in large better softwares.

Best description I have read in a long time. But let us not forget that all choice is good, as long as the choice is a variant of Linux, you know, who needs commercial products and support? And the infamous "Works on my box" answer to questions. And of course the ability of IBM to ride a marketing wave on the back of the slashkiddies. But let us give thanks to the fact that anyone who can actually develop software is going to have years of work coming up replacing the junk that these folks write with quality commercial software.

[Radi]

Well, many people seem to have a lot of time to write such shit like this blog and its comments. (Me included ...)