project managers (PM for short)
i can't fucking stand them...these are people whose sole miserable, tortured existence is to make life a living hell for software developers world wide. where do they fucking come from? how many, i mean how many times have these god-awful moronic individuals have made life too miserable to live for?
there are a few different types, so in order to better prepare you for dealing with them, i've put together a little guide.
the first archetypical project manager up for discussion will be Just Enough Tech Skill To Be A Walking Fucking Nuclear Weapon.
you know them...you've seen them...you'll be sitting down trying, just trying for the love of god to write just a little bit of code, and before you know it, they goddamn POUNCE! total bamboozlement!! the best though is when your build won't compile any more and you later find out that while you were in the can (taking an enterprise piss-break), he stumbled by your cube and thought the code on your monitor didn't quite look right, so he took the liberty of fixing it for you. for your enjoyment here are some choice quotes that i've dug out from memory (and a friend of mine contributed the last one):
keeping a set of backups offsite is a terrible idea...what do you do when the system goes down and you need a backup?
- a PM who later told their boss that they were the dumbest network admins he's ever seen
what kind of data is it?...oh, it's pictures??... than we'll store them in the xml file, because they'll be too big for the database
- a PM who at the time thought he was real cutting edge
we should definitely get them talking to each other using web services
- a PM who was talking about 2 access databases installed on the same local machine (and thought he was cutting edge as well)
so how do you deal with these chronic masterbatory wankers? they're tough nuts to crack (literally). personally i like to (usually in front of as many devs as possible) give them such a verbal thrashing (more like an assault), that not only won't they ever talk to you again, but they won't talk to anybody else about anything technical every again. YAY! go ahead, the next time you run into one of these pricks, just let loose...you'll feel much better, i guarantee it!
the next one up is the Documentation Whore...
i love these guys...all they give a shit about is goddamn documentation. the project could be going down in flames, visual source safe's repository has corrupted everything for the 101st and final time, all 1500 stored procs were accidentally dropped and there is no backup, but as long as everything is documented, your good as gold. what's even better is that these morons NEVER read this shit.
dealing with these guys is the easiest...write enough gibberish to fill exactly 3 pages - make sure it has words in bold, words in italics, and some kind of bulleted list. (if you really want to wow the bastard, use a chart or two). after these 3 pages, go to the nearest printer, rip about 700 or so sheets out of it, and then, carefully place the first 2 out of the 3 pages on top of that monster pile of 700 sheets, while putting the 3rd page on the bottom of those 700 sheets of fury. once this garbage with the printer paper is finished, your ready to make the drop. put the whole thing in a binder (they really like 3 ring binders), and drop it off at the desired date and time. that's it! you're done!!
our final one for today will be the Buzzword Bullshitter
you knew this was coming, right? you're walking into a meeting a few minutes late, and as you walk thru the door you usually catch the tail end of something that sounds like, "...right! we'll use our object-oriented, SOA, web-service based, message based, schema based, enterprise development methodology, which will incorporate elements from XP, RUP, and DSDM, while maintaining our currently documented existing Best Practices..." whoa, buddy! you want to repeat that shit? who in their right fucking mind would be caught dead saying this shit?? unfortunately these people are serious trouble. in addition to making themselves sound like a walking, talking, poster child for CIO magazine, their buzzword bullshit threatens to derail everything you might have slaved for, because your shit wasn't built using the right buzzwords...
so how do you deal with these fucking broken records? simple...develop a deep penetrating gaze, stare them in the eye, sigh, and in the gravest of tones, say - "exactly."
although there are many different types of project managers, they often use the same weapons against developers all over the world.
these weapons are
- the meeting
- microsoft project
- the gantt chart
- and so on
and they use words like resource, stakeholder, risk assessment, functional specification, tp reports...
blah, i just want to vomit my steaming fucking guts all over their nicely polished shoes.
on a serious note though, a lot of the problems that are plaguing software development today are a direct result of bad, no wait, pathetic project management. these shitheads are driving schedules, making feature choices, spouting off time estimates, making sure your time is wasted in meetings all goddamn day, and then telling you your not going to make your deliverables because your not following the plan. i don't get it...most software developers i know are loud, egotistical, and very, very strong willed...how has this state of affairs happend? and why do we continue to foster this situation??
ok, in my next post instead of some crazy, half-baked, nonsensical rant, i'll be posting some shit on .net development