who are these guys...

project managers (PM for short)
i can't fucking stand them...these are people whose sole miserable, tortured existence is to make life a living hell for software developers world wide. where do they fucking come from? how many, i mean how many times have these god-awful moronic individuals have made life too miserable to live for?

there are a few different types, so in order to better prepare you for dealing with them, i've put together a little guide.

the first archetypical project manager up for discussion will be Just Enough Tech Skill To Be A Walking Fucking Nuclear Weapon.
you know them...you've seen them...you'll be sitting down trying, just trying for the love of god to write just a little bit of code, and before you know it, they goddamn POUNCE! total bamboozlement!! the best though is when your build won't compile any more and you later find out that while you were in the can (taking an enterprise piss-break), he stumbled by your cube and thought the code on your monitor didn't quite look right, so he took the liberty of fixing it for you. for your enjoyment here are some choice quotes that i've dug out from memory (and a friend of mine contributed the last one):

keeping a set of backups offsite is a terrible idea...what do you do when the system goes down and you need a backup?
- a PM who later told their boss that they were the dumbest network admins he's ever seen

what kind of data is it?...oh, it's pictures??... than we'll store them in the xml file, because they'll be too big for the database
- a PM who at the time thought he was real cutting edge

we should definitely get them talking to each other using web services
- a PM who was talking about 2 access databases installed on the same local machine (and thought he was cutting edge as well)

so how do you deal with these chronic masterbatory wankers? they're tough nuts to crack (literally). personally i like to (usually in front of as many devs as possible) give them such a verbal thrashing (more like an assault), that not only won't they ever talk to you again, but they won't talk to anybody else about anything technical every again. YAY! go ahead, the next time you run into one of these pricks, just let loose...you'll feel much better, i guarantee it!

the next one up is the Documentation Whore...
i love these guys...all they give a shit about is goddamn documentation. the project could be going down in flames, visual source safe's repository has corrupted everything for the 101st and final time, all 1500 stored procs were accidentally dropped and there is no backup, but as long as everything is documented, your good as gold. what's even better is that these morons NEVER read this shit.

dealing with these guys is the easiest...write enough gibberish to fill exactly 3 pages - make sure it has words in bold, words in italics, and some kind of bulleted list. (if you really want to wow the bastard, use a chart or two). after these 3 pages, go to the nearest printer, rip about 700 or so sheets out of it, and then, carefully place the first 2 out of the 3 pages on top of that monster pile of 700 sheets, while putting the 3rd page on the bottom of those 700 sheets of fury. once this garbage with the printer paper is finished, your ready to make the drop. put the whole thing in a binder (they really like 3 ring binders), and drop it off at the desired date and time. that's it! you're done!!

our final one for today will be the Buzzword Bullshitter
you knew this was coming, right? you're walking into a meeting a few minutes late, and as you walk thru the door you usually catch the tail end of something that sounds like, "...right! we'll use our object-oriented, SOA, web-service based, message based, schema based, enterprise development methodology, which will incorporate elements from XP, RUP, and DSDM, while maintaining our currently documented existing Best Practices..." whoa, buddy! you want to repeat that shit? who in their right fucking mind would be caught dead saying this shit?? unfortunately these people are serious trouble. in addition to making themselves sound like a walking, talking, poster child for CIO magazine, their buzzword bullshit threatens to derail everything you might have slaved for, because your shit wasn't built using the right buzzwords...

so how do you deal with these fucking broken records? simple...develop a deep penetrating gaze, stare them in the eye, sigh, and in the gravest of tones, say - "exactly."

although there are many different types of project managers, they often use the same weapons against developers all over the world.
these weapons are

• the meeting
• microsoft project
• the gantt chart
• excel
• whiteboards
• and so on

and they use words like resource, stakeholder, risk assessment, functional specification, tp reports...
blah, i just want to vomit my steaming fucking guts all over their nicely polished shoes.

on a serious note though, a lot of the problems that are plaguing software development today are a direct result of bad, no wait, pathetic project management. these shitheads are driving schedules, making feature choices, spouting off time estimates, making sure your time is wasted in meetings all goddamn day, and then telling you your not going to make your deliverables because your not following the plan. i don't get it...most software developers i know are loud, egotistical, and very, very strong willed...how has this state of affairs happend? and why do we continue to foster this situation??

ok, in my next post instead of some crazy, half-baked, nonsensical rant, i'll be posting some shit on .net development

Comments

[Bill]

You have to be one of the coolest people I've ever come across.

[causticPhil]

you're too kind!

[KF]

All I can say is: You couldn't be more right!!! Unfortunately, I've known all these types and had the wonderful displeasure of working with way too many of them. Please feel free to add more tirades about this in the future -- you have a way of describing the problem in elegant, sarcastic, hilariously funny detail....Great job!

[causticPhil]

thanks!

[EB]

"on a serious note though, a lot of the problems that are plaguing software development today are a direct result of bad, no wait, pathetic project management." You're absolutely right.

I was once on a project with a PM who'd managed a sausage factory for years, got his computing diploma from a community college, and became a software project manager virtually overnight. He was a nice guy, and probably really good at managing sausages, but horrible at managing software. Why the executives put him in charge is beyond me. SAUSAGES AND SOFTWARE ARE VERY DIFFERENT THINGS. Argh.

[Giampiero]

I thought your first post was great and your post on OpenSource Zealots was bang-on as well. But as I read your rants it just seems that you are an elitest. Do you have any good stories to share?

[causticPhil]

giampiero - thanks for the constructive critism...i'm still a newbie when it comes to all this blogging shit, so i'm not always sure what to write about. i definitely plan on widening the scope beyond moronic technical rants. any type of stories you had in mind?? i have plenty that i would love to share...

[Giampiero]

As I was coming up with suggestions to give you, I felt that I was stifling your personal forum. This is your page, please don't let me tell you what to write about. I just thought you came off as someone sitting up on your pedistool looking at all us peons down below and blasting us with fire from your fingers. There are many of us who don't fit into the pigeon holes of these stereotypes you post about.

Just so you know where I coming from, I am a technical writer who was once a developer (not just as a hobby) and a QA analyst. I wear khakis sometimes, but I don't own Polo shirts. I love talking about my hobbies, but only to people who give me the nod that they are actually interested. I read everything that comes out of development department because it is necessary to do my job. Sometimes I step on toes in that department, but I don't give a fuck, I am not getting in shit with my boss because you are too fucking lazy to type up a functional spec that should have been done BEFORE you started that goddamn project. It takes time to translate your unintelligible shit into documentation that people can actually read.

[causticPhil]

giampiero - thanks again for the feedback.

despite the fact that i might have a few things to say about the software industry (lol), i'm really not trying to turn this into an elitist (spelling?) thing. i'm just getting off my chest a few things that i think everybody in the software industry has had to deal with at one time or another. (and i like doing it in a fun irreverent way.) i actually do plan on writing a future post recognizing the fact that not everybody falls into these stereotypes. -- i've actually had the pleasure to work with some great project managers, and that should be recognized too!

[Giampiero]

Thanks for responding, the second paragraph in my last comment was what my perspective would be like if I wrote it in your style. Its good to see that you can take it constructively, you have a thicker skin than I do. I don't normally write with that kind of fire, but it is good to do it in the proper setting (like in your comments section). Just to end this off, I don't judge people based on their opinions or the passion in which they express them so please keep going with your posts in the style you chose, They are really entertaining. And thanks for keeping us, the people who try to do better than the stereotypes, in mind.

[Dr. Günther]

I'd just like to add one thing to your list of which weapons these evil spawns of satan use: PowerPoint! This is the ultimate tool of fluff!

We've even had a PM actually DELIVER a webbased project to a customer just by showing them a PPT-slideshow.

I'm more or less writing my blog on the same topic. Pretty bored out on the fact that we've got a bunch of naive and ignorant fools destroying the business for us.

Fanx.

[George Paci]

EB wrote:
> SAUSAGES AND SOFTWARE ARE VERY DIFFERENT THINGS. Argh.

Though you don't really want to see how either is made...

[Todd]

Phil,

Awesome, just awesome. Keep it up. But per some comments in this thread, I'm sure we would all like to see some "serious" posts as well. I'm sure you will become huge after all your plugs today, don't sell out! ;-)

[doug]

So when are you going to rip into your fellow developers? WE WANT SOME DIRT ON YOUR FELLOW CO-DEVELOPERS!!! Don't use their real names, use some clever nomenclature, like "The Badger" for the stinky bastard who bathes every two weeks whether he needs it or not, or "Mr Mumble", who stares at his shoes (er, flip-flops), mumbles some half-assed techno-babble acronyms, and goes back to his 35th level of Doom or whatever he was playing before you so rudely interrupted him with some BS about "deliverables".

I dare you, no wait, I double-dog dare you. I'll save the triple-dog dare until next week when I ask your opinion about upper-level management. (And if I read "rich functionality" or "rich user experience" when I read about another fucking Microsoft product, ...

Peace

[Tim Scarfe]

Ohh my god --- you just summed up my entire life. Thanks man!

[Guybrush]

Haahhh! Dood! You have to meet my team leader. The guy is the biggest ass-licking phony bitch I ever came across. One day he would say: "I thinnk that from now one we should all adopt the A-POLICY because to be honest, it is the best option". Then the next week, his manager mentions how keen she is towards the B-Policy, and the prick says "ohhoo! You are right. I haven't seen it through this point of view. Oh hoho, I am such a divy". No wonder why all other team leaders think he is a piece of shit and in less than a year 5 people left our team.

"ohhh shit. I can hear him now (as I write this) licking the ass of our EMEA sales director"

causticTech, you seem to be quite a bright guy. Are you a right-brainer? The truth is: Bright people can't stand to be managed by mediocre ones...

[breezy]

Absolutely hilarious... who doesn't love a good "Buzzword Bullshitter"?

[blameMike]

I have an additional archetypical project manager I'd like to introduce. I call this particular animal "The Absentee Project Manager".

This is the person that doesn't look at your fucking application for vast periods of time, then comes in and tries to rip the entire bleeding thing apart after a half an hour of looking at. The Absentee PM will fire off suggestion, after nonsensical suggestion; things like why don't you change the color of those buttons for emphasis? This is where a nice retort like “Because there are 300 of them in the application, you dick weed” comes in handy.

This wank off, in my opinion, is the most annoying and disdainful person one can ever prey they don't encounter in the field.

[ProjectMangler]

You are so right on! Writing code is more art than science. Developers should be allowed to CREATE! Budgets be damned! Schedules be damned! Audits be damned! Whenever you can deliver your masterpiece to me will be fine. And how could I be so moronic as to expect to put a price on your inspiration. I am so sorry that I bothered you Mr. Rembrandt.

And documentation? Worthless. There is no reason to have a document that you could give to a new person on the team to use for training. The developers already know everything and will never actually leave this job. So having a written record is pointless.

Would you like to know why we, as PMs, try to make your life miserable? Because everyone knows that you are egotistical dorks that are still pissed off that your intelligence didn't get you chicks in high school and that the Neanderthal QB (with the polished shoes) was the one with the prom queen. It is a continuation of that torture. Enjoy.

Project Management is practice of achieving goals given finite resources, both dollars and time. It is a very difficult job. Most project managers get impossible deadlines handed down from above and all sorts of resistance from below. Kind of like a lead scout in Vietnam: booby-traps and ambushes in front and fratricide from behind.

I would suggest that you have obviously never had a position of responsibility based upon your musings, beyond say, toilet training.

Criticism is useless when invalid. While your amphetamine laced observations may be entertaining they offer nothing in the way of constructive criticsm, just degenerate into poor imitations of gonzo whining, laced with profanities that are, ultimately, devoid of content. How can one detect this, remove the profanities from the sentence and if it stills makes sense, it has no meaninging.

My suggestion, become a project manager, wotk within your system for meaningful change. Chances are, you are probably a mediocre developer, and due for a change anyway.

[Program Manager]

The reason we need managers is because there are a lot of people (developers?) that need to be baby-sat. Sadly, this is what many managers do, hold people that are too immature accountable for crap schedules.

[Pranay M]

Well. I share your hatred of all things you mention in this post.

Hypocritically enough though, I am doing an MBA. I did take my time to find the right course though, coz else I'd have ended up with all the things I love to hate (or hate to love?).

I'm at Cass Business School and we hate powerpoint, fluff talk and useless tools whose sole purpose usually is to confuse the listener.

http://lifeatcass.blogspot.com/2008/02/its-official-we-hate-powerpoint.html