catching up (throwing up)...

so... it's a been a little while since i've last posted and have now completely turned myself into a non-entity (for those of you who could possibly give a shit). 

well... i gotta say... with our industry being the complete fucking disaster that it always is, it wouldn't have mattered how long i've been out... i know i could come back at any time and still find over half a million fucking things to induce an attack of diarrhea so fucking foul that it would steam it's way through all 1000 steel lined feet of the vault that microsoft keeps it's most current copy of the windows source code hidden in.

unfortunately there are so many disasters and so little time in which to give each one their proper due... let's see if i can weigh in on a few from very recent to not so very recent:

amazon schoolyard meathead beats up some hippies for their milk money
what can i say about this? oh man, this had me in fucking stitches. what drama! what tension! what heights! what lows! only in our industry can we resort to the spectacle of teen existential anger, abuse, and self-loathing in public dairies at the level involving ctos! of billion dollar companies no less!! oh man! you gotta love it! from what (lack of) intelligence i could gather, the encounter went something like this:

meathead: so... why should i do this?
hippies: um... everybody else is doing it??
meathead: really? that's all you got?
hippies: ah... yeah... more or less.
meathead: i see...

and so on. big fucking deal. so a bunch of adults who know better managed to turn their little corner of the web into a 4th grade showdown at the playground. gee... how fucking surprising. i'll tell you what, it might not be surprising, but it sure as hell is pathetic. now... i'm going to take a guess and assume that when robert scoble talked about how blogging can help you (or your company) he didn't quite have this kind of thing in mind... which is going to lead me into the following conclusion:

these people are fucking crazy...

absolutely fucking nuts. outta their fuckin' minds! just what are these people thinking? and i don't just mean the people involved in this particular incident, i mean the whole fucking lot of them. what is the point? what is trying to be accomplished here? i have no fucking idea... will somebody tell me...PLEASE??? i just don't get it. i hear so much fucking nincompoopery from the idiots that i see live and in the flesh everyday that the last thing i need is more of the same fucking idiocy coming from somebody's online presence via their blog. especially when it's in the context of so called corporate blogging. this leads me to my next earth-shattering, ultra-profound conclusion:

people don't want conversation or discussion.
they want to be right...

coporate blogging is so fucking ridiculous that it deserves a post of its own. unfortunately since we're only human this kind of bullshit will always be the norm. however, i do appreciate tremendously when grown, so called intelligent men act like 5 year olds just so i can be amused and entertained... and for that - i thank you.

web 2.0?  (this actually can use a post all on it's own)
does anybody have the fucking cd i can install to get this? i don't know... i've been hearing so much about this shit lately, i thought...WOW... i gotta try this thing out!!! so i feverishly fired up my fucking browser and waited... nothing really happend though... i sat in front of my computer staring at fucking google's homepage waiting for something to happen... hmmmmm, i thought... this looks mysteriously like "web 1.0" to me... maybe i didn't do something right... after giving google the "eye" for about 20 minutes, i started to think... well i am running windows... so maybe it's broken i and i have to reboot to get this new thing working... so i carefully shut my fucking behemoth of a computer down, waited for about 10 minutes, and then turned the fucker back on... lo and behold!! the same fucking thing happend. maybe google is just broken today... so then i figured web 2.0 MUST have a homepage, right??  well apparently not. how can there be no fucking homepage!!!! jesus fucking christ... what kind of software IS this web 2.0? stuff...

i decided to do a search on "web 2.0" all that came up was a bunch of weird stuff about markets, ajax, platforms, patterns and apparently this guy tim o'oreilly (who is apparently some guy that loves animals)... what the fuck was this bullshit!!!!!! i was getting NOTHING! AJAX?? what the fuck is that? something to clean my fucking kitchen floor with?? MARKETS?!?!? what the fuck... maybe i can find web 2.0 at fucking whole foods?!?! PLATFORMS?? what, like what my fucking wife's shoes? man... this web 2.0 shit was just getting more and more fucking confusing... now i was definitely convinced... google MUST be fucking broken... i've never seen it return such weird results like this before... ok, ok, i thought. i heard that microsoft has this new search "engine"... i'll try that one. maybe this one knows what web 2.0 is... well... when i got to microsoft's new search thingy (i think it's called something or other "live" which to me makes absolutely no fucking sense), i typed in "web 2.0" in the box at the top... and waited... finally some results came back and despite the fact that they were hard to read because shit kept popping up, moving all over the place, and changing sizes, i was able to make out the results... and they were the same fucking ones that google returned!! what the fuck is this?!? at this point i realized the only thing it could be... conspiracy.

at this point i was getting desperate... so i decided to see if "web 2.0" had a tech support hotline i could call... i figured if those fuckers in tech support couldn't help, then i knew i was finished. believe it or not, my FUCKING MOM actually had the number... so i dialed and some guy from bombay, india named raj picked up. now this didn't surprise me, because like everybody else, i just figured that they fucking outsourced their whole operation. FINALLY somebody can explain this shit too me... i was going to get some ANSWERS!! to make a long story short, we had a very nice chat. apparently it's is fucking ass steaming hot in bombay. anyway, raj told me he would email me a chart/table of the differences between "web 1.0" and "web 2.0" i thanked him, and anxiously awaited his email. i logged on to "web 1.0", surfed over to my gmail account, and then started pounding the "refresh" button on my browser 150 times until i saw the email... oddly enough, here is what i saw:

web 1.0	web 2.0
javascript	javascript
xmlhttprequest	xmlhttprequest
rss/atom/syndication	rss/atom/syndication
photo/music sharing web sites	photo/music sharing web sites
web services	web services
wikipedia	wikipedia
hype	hype
buzzwords	buzzwords
... and so on	... and so on

HOLY SHIT IN MY PANTS, BATMAN!!... they are the same fucking thing! would you believe that??

seriously folks... i have never seen such a fucking buzzword in need of a fucking idea. "OH I GOT IT!!! IF I YAMMER ENOUGH ABOUT FUCKING WEB 2.0, IT WILL JUST MAGICALLY FUCKING APPEAR!!!!' where the fuck do you think you live... disney world?? getting sodomized by a fucking amtrack acela train would be less painful than listening to people pathetically trying to grasp at straws using anything to describe a concept so nebulous that it doesn't actually fucking exist. who would actually use the fucking phrase "web 2.0" in an actual real life converstation and not break up in utter hilarity?? who could fucking take this kind of thing seriously?? "web 2.0"... HA... that's fucking great...WEB 2.0... i'm laughing so hard i just crapped my pants!! in addition, (outside of apple and google) i can't think of a buzzword that is such a fucking pretentious slap in the face...

windows ship date slips!
oh my god! what are we going to fucking do now! i don't know about you.... but if i don't have vista on my home pc right fucking NOW... i'm going to implode in a fucking mess of nasty smelling organs and viscera. holy shit... how the fuck have i managed for so long with out it??

people, you just need to shut the fuck up. as much as watching the windows vista disaster unfold has been entertaining, if any of you actually assumed that it would ship on time, you should get the fucking living shit slapped out of you. MICROSOFT = MISSING SHIP DATES! actually let's change it around about to be more accurate: SOFTWARE DEVELOPMENT = MISSING SHIP DATES. that's better. why would so many people waste so much important time writing, carping, and yammering about something that was such a no fucking brainer?? i'm glad to see how the fucking so called "pundits" couldn't see this one coming from a mile away.

so vista had BUGS... check
release is delayed... check
slashdot has a field day... check
scoble & other ms bloggers doing damage control... check

as far as i see, this is the only software pattern that microsoft has mastered...

you haven't seen this fucking episode before? this fucking kind of garbage is the NORM not the EXCEPTION.

with that being said... what the fuck is taking so long for what is going to amount to my new service pack for xp? you fuckers have yanked out half of the "supposed" features, so what the fuck is your excuse this time? what are we fucking waiting for exactly? i don't need a fucking shiny new interface... i want something that won't fucking crash... or become a spyware infested piece of shit... man... you fuckers better get your fucking acts together. if i wasn't fucking addicted to pc games, i would be using ubuntu 110% fucking percent of my time.

anyway...
since most tech bloggers basically write nothing but the same boring shit over and over again, i've moved on to other blogs... here are some i've been reading that have kept me riveted:

( i suggest you start at the beginning in the archives, and work you way up...i guarentee your afternoon will go by quicker)

• learning curves
• just tenured
• reassigned time
• bitch, phd

i started reading these blogs, and just got fucking SUCKED IN... i can't explain it (aside from the fact that they are all fucking great...) anyway, they sure beat reading something written by a fat fuck wearing khakis...

Comments

[Bill]

Phil - excellent post buddy. Do you have the links for the first two stories, I haven't heard fo them but I'm dying to read them ;-)

[causticPhil]

here is the link to the first thing i read on the amazon thing...

http://www.allthingsdistributed.com/2006/03/naked_answers.html

[sluggy]

Welcome back dude, it's been a loooooong time :)

[Dr. Crazy]

Hey, I just found your blog - thanks for the shout-out :)

[ralph]

Love IT... truth without PC.. we need more of it. A little piece of the man is shaking right now... bet Scoble doesn't link to this...

[Plaph]

Dude , you're the best "blogger"... keep writing!

[Sheep]

Please give us mooooore!!

[Chanel Purses]

for some reason that is so fucking completely beyond me