why? is there some unwritten law or secret indoctrination ritual where it states that if you write code, you all of the sudden turn into this raging wankmaster of dorkness?
let's cover some various bases:
look, just because you're a programmer doesn't mean that you have to look like a fucking live action version of the Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons. it doesn't need to be this way. unfortunately there is a look that is far more popular and is much worse...the khaki/poloshirt uniform. nothing broadcasts your role in some kind of tech industry louder than a nice crisp pair of fucking khakis and a poloshirt proudly emblazoned with some god-awful fucking logo on the top left corner. what i love about this is that some people who are wearing these shirts actually think that the logo itself is all that's needed for a conversation. admit it...how many fucking people have you seen wearing these fucking things...just waiting for that one brief moment of glory when someone looks at them, notices their shirt, and asks, "do you work for
with the invention of the casual friday, i had hopes to see a developer or two break out from the mold, but alas...these fuckers looked worse! i remember seeing a fellow employee in jeans one friday and exclaiming to him, "holy shit, you should just wear khakis all week long!" i was in awe! all casual friday means is that the khaki/poloshirt uniform becomes the jeans/poloshirt uniform. and trust me...on some people this is not flattering...and then there is the worst fucking programmer dork fashion disaster of all time...the dreaded suit pants with a poloshirt . has anybody else seen this shit other than myself?? dear lord...that shit has to be seen to be believed! oh and by the way...your ID badge is not a fucking fashion accessory. if you're not in the goddamn office, i don't want to see that shit. i couldn't care less that you are employee# 22155.
this is the area that most developers are just completely and utterly lacking in. i'm a developer myself, and i can't even stand talking to these fuckers. can you think of any way to have a more awkward conversation that just having to chat with the typical developer? trust me...i don't want to hear about your triumphant saturday afternoon where you finally got your piece of shit linux distro to recognize your 3 year old cd-burner. guess what...nobody else wants to hear that shit either. also, the need to pontificate runs strong in the development community. i don't care how strongly you feel about that 271st comment you read on slashdot (ah, the open source zealot - another post about this is coming soon) on yet another story that claims how the world will end in complete fucking disaster if we don't see that microsoft is the root of all evil...all i asked you was, "how are you?"
please when in doubt just follow a few simple rules and you should be able to hopefully talk like a fucking normal human being:
- if you can't explain it with out resorting to the use of acronyms or words that were invented after the invention of the personal computer, you should probably just keep your mouth shut.
- if it might take longer than 2-3 minutes to explain, you should probably just keep your mouth shut
- if you absolutely still feel the need to say something, take the extra 10 seconds or so to make sure that what's coming out of your mouth is not Klingon (see below), if you can't do this, you should probably keep your mouth shut
- if anything you're about to say starts with "i" or "my", you should probably keep your mouth shut.
i know what your thinking...shit if i follow those rules i might never talk again. but trust me - it's better to be known as someone who doesn't say much, than just a dork with bad communication skills. also if you were ever wondering why you nailed your last technical interview and didn't get the job, it's probably because your communication skills just fucking suck.
live action roleplaying is not something to brag about...not everybody is interested in the fact that you just saved the people of Kazath-Tor with your level 18 Sorcerer who was wielding the Wand of Wanksmanship +5...ok?? in addition, klingon is not something you speak, it's something you laugh at. let me tell you something buddy, you come to me speaking that shit, and i'll give you such a good swift kick in the ass that hopefully it will knock the dorkiness right out of you. how can you expect to be taken seriously when your idea of a good time is debating whether or not the sveshnikov variation has been eclipsed by the kalashnikov variation in the sicilian defense...and more importantly how will this change the face of opening theory for black? who the fuck cares? as above i've made a few simple rules that might help:
- if you confuse your real name with the moniker of your dungeons and dragons character, you need to take a break
- if you find yourself relating every situation in your life to one that the characters in the empire strikes back, the lord of the rings, and the 1st matrix film were in, you need to take a break.
- if you believe that chess is best played as a solo sport, you need to take a break
- if you can't tell the difference anymore between the code in your never winter nights module, and the code in the ERP module you just implemented while at the office, you need to take a break
oh, and prolonged, chronic masterbation contrary to what other developers might tell you, is definitely NOT a hobby you want discussion of to steer clear of the work place.
i plan on continuing this in a post further down the road. if anybody has any other ideas or other aspects of programmer dorkness, feel free to contribute! and also, i'm probably very guilty of almost all of these things at one time or another...