BlunderMan

this one goes out to DM (who, with my deepest sympathies lives and breathes this fucking god-awful nightmare everyday)...

this is also first in a series of that will cover different developer stereotypes.

BLUNDERMAN
you know what i can't fucking stand...

lets say you've been working on a project or at a business for a while. you know the ins/outs of the business domain, have a very good understanding of all the systems involved, code written, workflows, processes, external integration points, etc, etc...in other words, you have a very deep understanding of What The Fuck Is Going On.

at this point, it never fails. for some reason, it's decided that another resource is needed. so, this new guys starts, and guess what?? his first fucking day isn't even over yet and he knows everyfuckingthing better than everyfuckingbody. he just comes blundering in with ideas and preconceived notions regardless of what the hell the story is. what the fuck is all this about? we'll call him BlunderMan. (for lack of something more meaningful.)

let's go over some telltale characteristics of the typical BlunderMan figure, shall we - starting with...

why does BlunderMan feel the need within the first 5 minutes of conversation to fucking tell me that "i have 17 yrs in this industry" and than constantly look for ways to work it again and again into any conversation? the conversation can be about anything, and trust me...BlunderMan will always feel the need to mention his level of "experience":

me: those imbeciles can think what they want, but dunkin' donuts is soooooo much better than that krispy kreme shit.
BlunderMan: yeah, i see what you mean, but my 17 yrs of experience tells me...

see what i mean? unbelievable...

it should also come as no great surprise that BlunderMan is also the most technically incompetent motherfucker on the planet. despite his alleged 17 yrs of experince, it's obvious that this fucker doesn't know his ass from his elbow. this in itself is ok, but what makes it so unbearable is the fact that BlunderMan is sooooo completely convinced of his technical superiority, he sincerely and with deep conviction believes in his own bullshit. as a result, he has no problems blundering out some technical piece of garbage as if it where the gospel no matter what the situation. no matter what the situation, no matter what the technology, BlunderMan has an answer for it, and it will always be better than yours. this usually creates discussion that have some very comical results:

BlunderMan: i've been working with .net for the last 12 yrs of my career.
me: realy? wow, i didn't know it's been around that long....
BlunderMan: oh yeah, but i wouldn't expect you to know that, because your not as experienced as i am.
me: ok, whatever you say...

BlunderMan will then go on and really, earnestly try to prove to me that he has indeed been doing .net development for the last 12 years. the fact that .net as a technology has not been around that long is just a minor detail, and not worth the explanation. and even better, BlunderMan has no shame and is not at all embarressed by the obvious bullshit he is spewing forth (and the fact that he thinks i'm a complete moron).

another great character trait about BlunderMan is his preference for starting every phrase that comes out of that diarrhea encrusted orifice called a mouth with either:

• at my last job we did...
• based on my last project we should...

regardless of the difference in environment, technology, architecture or business domain. again, those are just minor details to be glossed over:

BlunderMan: on my last project we did all of our web development using jsp and servlets...
me: that's fine, but this company has standardized on .net...jsp and servlets aren't an option.
BlunderMan: still, that's what we should probably go with...
me: look, almost all the core components have already been written..
BlunderMan: so?? look, i think i'm better qualified than you to make these kinds of decisions.

of course you are...of course you are...i've been working in this environment for the last 5 yrs, and this is your first day. since you've been doing this for 17 yrs, so i'll just step back and let you drive...

this leads me to my final character trait up for discussion...(as you might have guessed) BlunderMan is one of the biggest fucking egomaniacs on the goddamn planet. while being forced to work with this piece of shit, no idea or contribution from the team is going to be good enough while BlunderMan has his own bullshit to spew forth. if one of his ideas is questionable, he will defend it to the last. (often by using completely irrational/illogical arguments that make absolutely no fucking sense.) every chance BlunderMan gets to belittle somebody's technical skills, he goes for the gusto. not taking into account his own complete lack of technical skills, he just goes right in for the kill even if what he is saying actually exposes his own incompetency in a brighter light. nobody is safe, regardless of technical knowledge or level of experience. he just Blunders on blindly stumbling over his own bullshit trying to produce the twofold effect of belittling you and simultaneously showing just how skilled he is. (although this always backfires with spectacular comic results.):

me: you shouldn't put that open datareader object in the cache like that.
BlunderMan: oh yeah? why not?
me: well...
BlunderMan: see, you can't even give me a decent reason. you obviously have no idea what you are talking about, and maybe if you listen to me, you could learn something. i have been doing this for 17 yrs, you know.
me: alrighty then...

i'm sure you can imagine how well that particular application scaled...

anyway people, this shit has got to stop. i can't tell you how many bad decisions have been made on countless projects because of people like BlunderMan. i don't care who you are or what your do, not taking the time to understand or learn the environment your working in or a new business domain is a fucking recipe for disaster. every business does things differently. even if they are in the same domain. sure two different retail businesses might have very similar workflows, systems, BI processes, and so on. they might even use some of the same systems for inventory, financials or whatever...but even so, it doesn't matter. no 2 business entities do everything exactly the same, and for people to just blunder in and start making decisions and judgement calls without taking the time to get the "lay of the land" is just fucking beyond stupidity...

Comments

[Bill]

This is pure genius! I worked with his younger brother who knew 'every' programming language and it was not much different from this...

[Laura]

Caustic Phil, you have a potty mouth and I am going to tell your mother!

[Guybrush]

LOL! Fantastic stuff. But you know what is worse? In my current company (let's call it BILLYBOB), people have have to attend an induction workshop as soon as they are hired. Guess what? It's the newest ACME-o-matic BlunderMan creator. While at the induction, I heard things like: "Please tell us what you think we are doing wrong", "we are open to criticism", "we would love to know the insights or a 3rd person", "new starters always have a keen eye for detail, as they are new to the environment".

What a bunch of goatcrap! Needless to say that I have witnessed a large ammount of abuse in this brothel.

[James]

Dude, seriously.....you're my hero. Is there a book I can by on Amazon or something to be more like you?

[Max Ostap]

Agreed. But its amaizing how much better your BS detector becomes when spending enough time arguing with these people. Watch them deviate and try bury the original thesis under a mountain of bullshit, then smack them in the face with it.

[Quintin]

`your' is used to show that something belongs to someone. `I like your new car.'

`you're' is a contraction that means `you are'

Please, please, PLEASE try to get this right? A friend sent me link to this site, and I love how your voice opinions many of us have privately and publicly. The manner in which you do it is hilarious. But but... confusing `your' and `you're' hurts my eyes. :(

[Blunder man]

Hey not all us old bastards are technically imcompetant in fact some of us grab each new language by the balls and try and learn the hell out of it.

I have to deal with bright eyed little bastards who because they have excellent technical skill think they fucking know it all, design some horrendous technical nightmares on to a project and expect to hit deadline. This is the bit where experience comes in, kids with no bloody experience with great technical skills also have little regard for deadlines and have generally pulled the project down and everyone involved gets a kickin cos of one ego-centric tosser who thinks he has nothing to learn from people who have done this a while.

Although the guy you describe does sound like a complete prick.

(Suitable caustic comment I hope).

[causticPhil]

blunder man: i like your style!

[blobbus]

Great stuff. Somewhat related is the programmer who writes some component or class for a couple of days then proclaims to the whole team "Look at this that I wrote! It is generic and everyone can use it!"

Nevermind why someone should use it, or wether it fits into the architecture or not. Or if it is even easy to use.

[causticPhil]

blobbus: thanks...and i've encountered that shit way too many times myself. (it's actually amazing that any software works at all)

[Adam Young]

I worked with a Blunderman on my last project; no names mentioned, but he lives in Nottingham, England. I can understand where they're coming from; they're in a position of authority, and their technical skills have suffered (& probably weren't that good in the first place), yet they're acutely aware that they manage technical people and have to command their respect. So instead of taking on new ideas, or accepting other peoples' points of view, they have to continuously ride you like a monkey, chattering away with their incomprehensible and illogical arguments until you give in. They are poison. Any project with a Blunderman on it will fail, and the best people in the team will leave because no-one listens to them or respects their ideas; those poor souls who remain have to suffer the borderline schizophrenic whims of Blunderman (another trait of his is not just illogical argument to get his own way, but a constant shifting of his position, like a snake, in a bid to confuse and demoralize).

You mention that Blunderman is usually someone new to a company, but I think Blunderman is an old-timer who just wants an easy life, and has turned into a bully to ensure no-one challenges his position. He just wants to sit down and write code, take it easy until retirement comes up and bask in the glory of being a "guru" - only people who work under Blunderman can see him for what he is; he bamboozles everyone else into thinking he knows what he's talking about.

[Nekrataal]

Very fine story here. I met this guy about 2 years ago. I did not have to work on one of his projects but i wanted to apply for his group he directed. After our first meeting I was pretty confused because he was ranked 2 levels above me but hadnt said two meaningful sentences beside: "cause of my long experience in IT" and "You know this is so .... true .... sometimes ... it is" (hard to translate but this strange stops and confusing repitions were there). We "talked" for an hour or so and he told me about his ex wife and this sort of things and in the end he told me that for the future he only will work with ppl that have the same experience like himself (20 years or so). Otherwise he said he would only be disappointed by results.

[BlunderMan]

With my 10 years of experience I would have to say, people like this Blunder-Person you are refering to, are completely capable of making design calls, and implemetation changes. Especially when it comes to reconfiguring the flux-compacitor-ma-bob! Tricky things, those flux-capacitor-ma-bobs, but you wouldn't know anything about that, heh [raises eyebrow]. At my last job, we did'nt like to use the words fuck and shit, we liked to use poke and dookie, it is much more effective. For example: "while being forced to work with this piece of dookie, no idea or contribution from the team is going to be good enough while BlunderMan has his own bulldookie to spew forth." and "(often by using completely irrational/illogical arguments that make absolutely no poking sense.)" [side ways smile and points] heh see how I did that? Eh' you'll learn.

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