causticTech

the industry press release

one of the most powerful catalysts for a gut-wrenching, paralytic diarrhea attack is the meaningless press release. it seems like you can't go anywhere on the web without running into one of these fuckers. whether it's about some moronic fucking company who has just released the greatest piece of technology since microsoft bob (remember IBM's san francisco ...), or the anouncement of the latest fucking consultant supergroup, i'm sick of it -- trust me...i really don't need to be told in marketspeak euphamism bullshit just how your latest whatever is going to get me off in a passionate frenzy of orgasmic fury.

talk about a fucking mockery...you can't even read one of these things without running into 10 buzzwords, 5 industry luminary name-drops, and a reference to "numerous white-papers"...and that's all in the fucking FIRST SENTENCE! it's bad enough that industry professionals have to put up with this shit, but most of these things are for the general public! now wonder they think we're all a bunch of fucking dorks who speak klingon...

since there is so much bullshit going on, i've taken it upon myself to write a press release that is a little more realistic:

6.18.2004 - FLASH!!!!

---

We are proud to present ObjectFools, a new high-tech, cutting edge, state of the art consulting and services company. We specialize in...uh...wait a second....ummmm...well we actually have no fucking clue what we specialize in. We're hoping that our snazzy flash-based, buzzword-ridden website and this vomit inducing press release will convince you sons of bitches to throw tons of money our way for absolutely no fucking reason what so ever!!

We believe in a No Value Added Approach. This approach enables us to infest your company with tons of clueless fucking consultants who know absolutely nothing (except words like Enterprise, SOA, Web Services...), while allowing us to continuously bill your ass until you are fucking bankrupt. We also make sure when we get near the half-way point of any of our projects, to bring in BlunderMan (or BlunderMen), making sure that all the work we've done goes to complete fucking waste. We will also supply you a team of committed Project Managers as well. We know when our client's business is in the faithfull hands of Documentation Whore, Buzzword Bullshitter, or even MeetingMan your project is on the road to absolute complete fucking disaster!!

THE TEAM:

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CutAndPaster
CutAndPaster comes from a long line of complete fucking buffoons. Flatly denying any rumors that he can't code worth shit or write any original code, he can Ctrl-c, Ctrl-v faster than you can say AOP. If you need something done, there is no doubt that with his extensive memberships to both free and pay developer websites, CutAndPaster will find the appropriate code to cut and paste into your project. If the pasted in code has bugs or doesn't work, CustAndPaster will discreetly and tactfully remind your ass, "Well, I didn't write this, somebody else did. Don't tell me it's my fault that your code just dropped every table in the database."

CutAndPaster's philosophy on coding can be summed up in one word: Reuse. According to him, "When I was studying OO design and analysis, I really learned the benefits of reuse. However, I don't think that people are taking this as far they could really go with it." CutAndPaster joined ObjectFools because after getting cought pasting Java code into a C# source file at his last job, his fucking incompetent ass was fired. Since joining ObjectFools, CutAndPaster has made a tremendous impression with our clients world-wide. To date, nobody has been dumb enough to invite his ass to any conferences, and yes - he is also not allowed under any conditions to write or publish books or whitepapers.

PhoneMan
To be honest, we don't know if PhoneMan knows even how to code...because he's always on the fucking PHONE!. If we at ObjectFools know one thing, it's that developers like it loud and noisy when they're coding. Just when you've figured out that tricky optimistic concurrency algorithm, what can be better than totally losing your concentration due to the fact that the fucking dipshit in the cube behind you is YELLING into the phone shit like, "I know baby, but CVS is so out of the way...do you really need another tub of Vaseline? I'll just spit on it instead...", or, "No, I'm going to really fuck the network up again so I can work another 14 hours fixing it...I can really use some extra cash, and billing all those extra hours is fan-fucking-tastic!" We also know our clients love to hear gems like..."Man, you gotta see these morons...these gotta be the dumbest motherfuckers I've seen...no wonder they needed shyster consultants like us!" That's what PhoneMan is all about. There is no subject too private, no topic too discreet for PhoneMan. Once you are in a 15 foot radius, there is no telling what you'll hear come out of PhoneMan!! Recently when asked by one of our clients why his productivity was absolute zero, he replied, "What is your fucking problem? Can't you idiots see that I'm on the fucking Phone? Now get the hell out of my office...NOW!" We are most proud that PhoneMan has found a home on the ObjectFools team.

PrototypeProductionMan
PrototypeProductionMan come to the ObjectFools team after successful stints at the Unemployment Office and the basement in his parents home. PrototypeProductionMan's talent is making sure that barely functional prototype mockups get rolled out into production. Exception management, security, separation of concerns between business logic and UI code, thread safety, resource management...these are all things you could say good-bye to with PrototypeProductionMan on site! With a mentality like that, it's no surprise that every production deployment ObjectFools has been involved with has turned into a completely fucking unmitigated disaster! At the end of the day, our clients should really thank PrototypeProductionMan as the reason we need to charge them a fucking arm and leg for post-rollout support and maintenance.

A PROVEN INDUSTRY TRACK RECORD:

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We take our track record seriously. With fortune 500 clients such as Enron, Anderson, and WorldCom, ObjectFools has been responsible for more total fucking disasters than any other firm in the industry. Combine this with the most incompetent, moronic, egotistical, clueless fucking talent in the industry, and you have the ObjectFools Experience!

now that's more like it ;)

this is just too much!

after having recently been don boxed, which has still left me stunned, i have now been scobleized!!

again, thanks to everyone (not just the above) for the kind words!

holy shit...

holy shit...i've been don boxed!! (as usual, i'm the last to know!) thank you! i'm stunned...

i'd also like to thank William Ryan of bill's house o insomnia for being a fan as well!

The Open Source Zealot

the Open Source Zealot
(part 2 in a series on developer stereotypes)

ignorance
n: the lack of knowledge or education
-WordNet ® 1.6, © 1997 Princeton University

zealot
n: a fervent and even militant proponent of something
-WordNet ® 1.6, © 1997 Princeton University

(can you imagine the fucking damage that can ensue when the above two words decide to get together...)

over the years there has been much written about the rather, shall we say...enthusiastic nature of the Open Source Zealot. (hopefully i will be able to contribute something original to literature...) to be honest, i couldn't give a shit about open source software. it's like anything else on the goddamn planet. some of it is good, and some of it (ok, much of it) just sucks. i see no difference between this and any other kind of software. however, i am fascinated (and always amused) by the people who are so fucking utterly engrossed with this shit. they really are a breed apart.

first off, what many people don't know is that there are actually many different kinds of Open Source Zealots. while not being comprehensive, i thought we'd go over a few of the more prominent subspecies (there is also plenty of overlapping):

The Guru
kind, sagely, wise...these are the guys that are usually the most prominent and visible of the Open Source Zealots. they also feel the need to be the self-appointed "voice of the community." personally, i think any community would be pretty fucking suspect if one of their own self-appointed gurus can't even get his fucking printer working. in addition to apparently having problems with their computer peripherals, they feel the need to spew and pontificate by writing books that have such grand and lofty titles as The Art of Unix Programming and the The Cathedral and the Bazaar. Have you ever even been to a bazaar? they are fucking dirty, noisy, full of fucking shady characters, and anybody selling anything is just out to screw you out of your fucking money. you're kidding me, right? this is going to be the software development model of the future? where to do these self-aggrandizing analogies come from? another very important aspect of The Guru is to frame all this bullshit dorkness into a zen like semi-spiritual framework (and thereby unknowingly given even more credence to the term zealot). this approach has several advantages to The Guru, because any logical, rational, or valid argument against his tenets can easily be brushed aside with stock phrases such as, "you just don't understand the spirit of it.", or a particular favorite, "you're not grokking it." these pseudo-philosophical dodges of any contrary viewpoint are just some of the standard techniques employed by The Guru. they also provide a sugar-coating for hiding the real subversive nature of their underlying message which almost always is something along the lines of, "how can you not obviously see how much we are better than them?" another fucking ridiculously annoying technique The Guru uses is the Aunt Tilly metaphor. this is the euphemism used to describe the great unwashed masses who are not part of the techgeek/wank/dork elite who do not "grok it." who the fuck is this lady? where does she fucking come from? does anybody actually have a fucking Aunt Tilly? this whole Aunt Tilly bullshit is one more subversive trick The Guru uses to create a fucking system between those who are part of the fucking cult, and those worthless imbeciles who for whatever reason STILL don't see the One True Way. ok, now that The Guru has revealed his new clothes, why don't we move right along with the...

The Moralist (aka The Anti-Microsoft Bigot)
Unlike The Guru, The Moralist doesn't necessarily need to have any (supposedly) advanced technical skills. (which actually makes them more dangerous.) These fuckers acquire their zealotry through good ol' fashion fundamentalist ignorance. most of it is such spew infested bullshit, it's amazing that anything these people say is being listened to on any level. it usually covers the same tired, ceaselessly beaten to death ideas:

• microsoft is the root of all evil
• bill gates is the anti-christ
• microsoft makes shitty software
• microsoft software is not secure

first off, if you think microsoft is the root of all evil, you just need to be fucking bitch-slapped. i know, i know...you also hold them responsible for world hunger, the plight of the third world country, the increase in reality TV programming, janet jackson's superbowl stunt, and the increase of aids in the porno industry. maybe microsoft is involved in a nefarious plot that all 55,000 of it's employees, millions of people who use their products, and a tremendous amount of businesses all over the world are just ignorant of. next, as far as bill gates is concerned, he has on a personal level AND as part of a corporation done more for computing and humanity than you ever will, you egostical, holier-than-thou, diarrhea filled, piece of ignorant shit. microsoft makes shitty software...and guess what, you fool...that is your opinion. i have no problems with opinions (i'm sure you can tell), but don't confuse your ignorant, misinformed, half-baked opinions with actual facts. that is truly the realm of the close minded (which fits you to a T). finally, microsoft products are insecure...and your point is?? guess what you moronic duechebag...so is every other fucking operating system out there. it doesn't take one fucking iota of intellegence to realize that since microsoft products are the most deployed in the world, that they are going to hit up against the most scrutiny. however, i've always found it so fucking convenient that when any open source products are found to have security holes, the entire community just shuts the fuck up and pretends that nothing is there. i guess you must have some secret fucking clandestine deal with ziff-davis media and slashdot to just keep fucking quiet in these circumstances. you can generally spot these fuckers a mile away because every time they spell microsoft they replace the 's' with a '$'. yeah, real fucking clever... like we haven't seen that before, you paragon of originality. listen, nobody gives a shit that you think that microsoft "broke the law." actually, nobody gives a shit about what you think, period. get a fucking life! you mean you don't have anything better to do than spew out diarrhea regarding your moral stance on corporations and "big business?" what makes this all worth while is that when I calmly ask, "well...what exactly has microsoft done to you?" the only fucking thing that comes out of that fucking dank hole of hypocrisy you call your mouth (or is it your ass) is, "oh, well ah...hmmm......ah..." exactly. ok, let's move on, or i'll really start ranting...

The Slashkiddie
these pre-pubescent, acne ridden, illiterate, kids who have their hands glued to their cocks in a masterbatory frenzy are generally the most harmless of the bunch. i mean, how dangerous can somebody be if all they fucking do all day is hope that their latest masterpiece of exquisitely written prose called a comment on whatever bullshit pseudowank story gets modded to the fabled "+5 insightful" level. however, i pray that that doesn't happen because if it ever does, their going to blow their load all over the decrepit remains of some half-built PC they were modding and die in a bizarre electricution accident - only to have their parents later find them in what could only be a called a "compromising" position. they also have a herd mentality with The Guru as the sheepdog providing guidence and telling them just what to spew out next. you can also tell that your dealing with one of these fuckers because of their incredibly gifted spelling skills. spelling words with z instead of s (as in their favorite phrase "mad skillz"), using abbreviations like r instead of are or u instead of you. in addition to having world class spelling skills, they also seem to have a uncanny mastery of the rules of capitalization. however i have noticed a slight dyslexic tendency to confuse the number 3 with the capital letter E. they also like to use these incredible skills to give themselves really cool names like haXXor, aZZmaZt3r, and cod3mast3r.. personally i think a name like DUMBASS would be much more appropriate. when push comes to shove, once you take their computer and anonymity away from them, they become nothing more than any other pimply-faced teen in search of some hole they can get off on. (for most this will become a lifetime quest.)

aside from these three there is also The Hacker, The Cheap Bastard, and The Crusader (aka The Preacher). fortunately enough for them, they aren't visible enough to merit their own sections. There is also a little bit of The SourceForge Enthusiast in all of them

by the way, Rory Blythe wrote up a fucking hilarious post after having a run in with his very own Open Source Zealot (it's actually better and funnier than anything i can write as well...definitely check it out!)

.net and other development books

i was recently asked by a friend of mine for some recommendations on .net books.
so without further ado, here are some of my own personal favorite recent books on software development (in no particular order...this is also not meant to be an in depth review of any of the following books either):

Essential .NET, Volume I: The Common Language Runtime
by Don Box
What can i say? don box is the man. he has such a deep understanding of this material. most of the stuff in here is just basic .net infrastructure type stuff, however it's something that ever serious .net developer should know. in addition, if you're fairly new to object oriented development, his discussion on interface types is probably the best i've ever read anywhere. the chapters on methods and advanced methods (chapters 6 & 7) are also fantastic.

Applied Microsoft .NET Framework Programming
by Jeffery Richter
Again, this book covers basic .net infrastructure stuff. goes into detail about types, methods, events, etc... has a great chapter on garbage collection and disposable resources.

Programming .NET Components
by Juval Lowy
this is a great book. almost every chapter has great insight on topics that are relevant to every .net developer. he goes to great lengths to talk about events, asynchronous methods, multithreading, and serialization. almost any serious application will be using not just one or two of these, but almost all of these concepts in various combinations. really, really important stuff. for some reason i don't think a lot of developers are aware of this book, but i think it's a must have.

Essential ASP.NET With Examples in C#
by Fritz Onion
if you need just one book on asp.net, this is the one to get. fritz covers just about every single aspect of asp.net application development. has information on modules & handlers, user & custom controls, page & control lifecycles, state management, etc... plus it's not written as a fucking 1000 page plus tome of bullshit. very clean and readable writing style - it's amazing for a fairly small book it manages to contain almost everything you would ever need to develop asp.net applications.

Developing Microsoft ASP.NET Server Controls and Components
by Nikhil Kothari, Vandana Datye
i really love this book. even though this book is primarily focused on asp.net custom control development (and it is the best of its kind on that topic), i can guarentee that if you understand the shit in here, you'll have a tremendously deep understanding as to what the fuck is happening under the covers in asp.net. reading this book can also give you a real good understanding of what is going on at a higher architectual level as well.

Refactoring: Improving the Design of Existing Code
by Martin Fowler
the techniques in this book are again something every developer should be familiar with. they will also help you write much better code. this is a very practical book. refactoring is a very pragmatic approach to writing better code, and it's something that should be a habit for every developer.

Test Driven Development: By Example
by Kent Beck
unit testing has become very popular lately, and nunit has surged in popularity. this is a Good Thing. along with refactoring, unit testing will help you write better, less bug prone code. personally my favorite benefit of unit testing is that your public api's will be much cleaner and have a much better design to them. i have heard very good things about a book published more recently that focuses on unit testing from a pure .net perspective called Test-Driven Development in Microsoft .NET. the author was also the developer for nunit. i should probably pick this up...

Patterns of Enterprise Application Architecture
by Martin Fowler
this book (like the above) is not really specific to .net development. however, it can definitely make you build better .net applications. having all these patterns in one book with pros and cons, examples, and usage is fantastic. most of the patterns focused on business and domain models should be read by .net developers, because they should get past the datatable, dataset-centric view of development (where appropriate...but this is the topic for another post). .net developers could really learn alot from reading this.

Domain-Driven Design: Tackling Complexity in the Heart of Software
by Eric Evans
this book is a fucking must have. i think this is the best software development book that has hit the shelves in a long time. one problem i see time and time again with most developers in the microsoft world (this is my world as well), is the data-centric view that most systems are designed with as opposed to a domain view (again where appropriate). reading this book can go a tremendously long way in filling in that deficiency. it also ties in how design, architecture, patterns, refactoring, and other concepts all interact together.

there are many other good titles out there as well, but these were the ones that i really dug in the last year or so...definitely feel free to contribute any titles...i'm always on the look out for a good book.

why do programmers have to be such fucking dorks?

why? is there some unwritten law or secret indoctrination ritual where it states that if you write code, you all of the sudden turn into this raging wankmaster of dorkness?

let's cover some various bases:

dress
look, just because you're a programmer doesn't mean that you have to look like a fucking live action version of the Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons. it doesn't need to be this way. unfortunately there is a look that is far more popular and is much worse...the khaki/poloshirt uniform. nothing broadcasts your role in some kind of tech industry louder than a nice crisp pair of fucking khakis and a poloshirt proudly emblazoned with some god-awful fucking logo on the top left corner. what i love about this is that some people who are wearing these shirts actually think that the logo itself is all that's needed for a conversation. admit it...how many fucking people have you seen wearing these fucking things...just waiting for that one brief moment of glory when someone looks at them, notices their shirt, and asks, "do you work for ?" you have just made these fuckers cream in their jeans (oops, i mean khakis).

with the invention of the casual friday, i had hopes to see a developer or two break out from the mold, but alas...these fuckers looked worse! i remember seeing a fellow employee in jeans one friday and exclaiming to him, "holy shit, you should just wear khakis all week long!" i was in awe! all casual friday means is that the khaki/poloshirt uniform becomes the jeans/poloshirt uniform. and trust me...on some people this is not flattering...and then there is the worst fucking programmer dork fashion disaster of all time...the dreaded suit pants with a poloshirt . has anybody else seen this shit other than myself?? dear lord...that shit has to be seen to be believed! oh and by the way...your ID badge is not a fucking fashion accessory. if you're not in the goddamn office, i don't want to see that shit. i couldn't care less that you are employee# 22155.

communication skills
this is the area that most developers are just completely and utterly lacking in. i'm a developer myself, and i can't even stand talking to these fuckers. can you think of any way to have a more awkward conversation that just having to chat with the typical developer? trust me...i don't want to hear about your triumphant saturday afternoon where you finally got your piece of shit linux distro to recognize your 3 year old cd-burner. guess what...nobody else wants to hear that shit either. also, the need to pontificate runs strong in the development community. i don't care how strongly you feel about that 271st comment you read on slashdot (ah, the open source zealot - another post about this is coming soon) on yet another story that claims how the world will end in complete fucking disaster if we don't see that microsoft is the root of all evil...all i asked you was, "how are you?"

please when in doubt just follow a few simple rules and you should be able to hopefully talk like a fucking normal human being:

• if you can't explain it with out resorting to the use of acronyms or words that were invented after the invention of the personal computer, you should probably just keep your mouth shut.
• if it might take longer than 2-3 minutes to explain, you should probably just keep your mouth shut
• if you absolutely still feel the need to say something, take the extra 10 seconds or so to make sure that what's coming out of your mouth is not Klingon (see below), if you can't do this, you should probably keep your mouth shut
• if anything you're about to say starts with "i" or "my", you should probably keep your mouth shut.

i know what your thinking...shit if i follow those rules i might never talk again. but trust me - it's better to be known as someone who doesn't say much, than just a dork with bad communication skills. also if you were ever wondering why you nailed your last technical interview and didn't get the job, it's probably because your communication skills just fucking suck.

hobbies
live action roleplaying is not something to brag about...not everybody is interested in the fact that you just saved the people of Kazath-Tor with your level 18 Sorcerer who was wielding the Wand of Wanksmanship +5...ok?? in addition, klingon is not something you speak, it's something you laugh at. let me tell you something buddy, you come to me speaking that shit, and i'll give you such a good swift kick in the ass that hopefully it will knock the dorkiness right out of you. how can you expect to be taken seriously when your idea of a good time is debating whether or not the sveshnikov variation has been eclipsed by the kalashnikov variation in the sicilian defense...and more importantly how will this change the face of opening theory for black? who the fuck cares? as above i've made a few simple rules that might help:

• if you confuse your real name with the moniker of your dungeons and dragons character, you need to take a break
• if you find yourself relating every situation in your life to one that the characters in the empire strikes back, the lord of the rings, and the 1st matrix film were in, you need to take a break.
• if you believe that chess is best played as a solo sport, you need to take a break
• if you can't tell the difference anymore between the code in your never winter nights module, and the code in the ERP module you just implemented while at the office, you need to take a break

oh, and prolonged, chronic masterbation contrary to what other developers might tell you, is definitely NOT a hobby you want discussion of to steer clear of the work place.

i plan on continuing this in a post further down the road. if anybody has any other ideas or other aspects of programmer dorkness, feel free to contribute! and also, i'm probably very guilty of almost all of these things at one time or another...

some funny shit

this is great. does it get any funnier?

BlunderMan

this one goes out to DM (who, with my deepest sympathies lives and breathes this fucking god-awful nightmare everyday)...

this is also first in a series of that will cover different developer stereotypes.

BLUNDERMAN
you know what i can't fucking stand...

lets say you've been working on a project or at a business for a while. you know the ins/outs of the business domain, have a very good understanding of all the systems involved, code written, workflows, processes, external integration points, etc, etc...in other words, you have a very deep understanding of What The Fuck Is Going On.

at this point, it never fails. for some reason, it's decided that another resource is needed. so, this new guys starts, and guess what?? his first fucking day isn't even over yet and he knows everyfuckingthing better than everyfuckingbody. he just comes blundering in with ideas and preconceived notions regardless of what the hell the story is. what the fuck is all this about? we'll call him BlunderMan. (for lack of something more meaningful.)

let's go over some telltale characteristics of the typical BlunderMan figure, shall we - starting with...

why does BlunderMan feel the need within the first 5 minutes of conversation to fucking tell me that "i have 17 yrs in this industry" and than constantly look for ways to work it again and again into any conversation? the conversation can be about anything, and trust me...BlunderMan will always feel the need to mention his level of "experience":

me: those imbeciles can think what they want, but dunkin' donuts is soooooo much better than that krispy kreme shit.
BlunderMan: yeah, i see what you mean, but my 17 yrs of experience tells me...

see what i mean? unbelievable...

it should also come as no great surprise that BlunderMan is also the most technically incompetent motherfucker on the planet. despite his alleged 17 yrs of experince, it's obvious that this fucker doesn't know his ass from his elbow. this in itself is ok, but what makes it so unbearable is the fact that BlunderMan is sooooo completely convinced of his technical superiority, he sincerely and with deep conviction believes in his own bullshit. as a result, he has no problems blundering out some technical piece of garbage as if it where the gospel no matter what the situation. no matter what the situation, no matter what the technology, BlunderMan has an answer for it, and it will always be better than yours. this usually creates discussion that have some very comical results:

BlunderMan: i've been working with .net for the last 12 yrs of my career.
me: realy? wow, i didn't know it's been around that long....
BlunderMan: oh yeah, but i wouldn't expect you to know that, because your not as experienced as i am.
me: ok, whatever you say...

BlunderMan will then go on and really, earnestly try to prove to me that he has indeed been doing .net development for the last 12 years. the fact that .net as a technology has not been around that long is just a minor detail, and not worth the explanation. and even better, BlunderMan has no shame and is not at all embarressed by the obvious bullshit he is spewing forth (and the fact that he thinks i'm a complete moron).

another great character trait about BlunderMan is his preference for starting every phrase that comes out of that diarrhea encrusted orifice called a mouth with either:

• at my last job we did...
• based on my last project we should...

regardless of the difference in environment, technology, architecture or business domain. again, those are just minor details to be glossed over:

BlunderMan: on my last project we did all of our web development using jsp and servlets...
me: that's fine, but this company has standardized on .net...jsp and servlets aren't an option.
BlunderMan: still, that's what we should probably go with...
me: look, almost all the core components have already been written..
BlunderMan: so?? look, i think i'm better qualified than you to make these kinds of decisions.

of course you are...of course you are...i've been working in this environment for the last 5 yrs, and this is your first day. since you've been doing this for 17 yrs, so i'll just step back and let you drive...

this leads me to my final character trait up for discussion...(as you might have guessed) BlunderMan is one of the biggest fucking egomaniacs on the goddamn planet. while being forced to work with this piece of shit, no idea or contribution from the team is going to be good enough while BlunderMan has his own bullshit to spew forth. if one of his ideas is questionable, he will defend it to the last. (often by using completely irrational/illogical arguments that make absolutely no fucking sense.) every chance BlunderMan gets to belittle somebody's technical skills, he goes for the gusto. not taking into account his own complete lack of technical skills, he just goes right in for the kill even if what he is saying actually exposes his own incompetency in a brighter light. nobody is safe, regardless of technical knowledge or level of experience. he just Blunders on blindly stumbling over his own bullshit trying to produce the twofold effect of belittling you and simultaneously showing just how skilled he is. (although this always backfires with spectacular comic results.):

me: you shouldn't put that open datareader object in the cache like that.
BlunderMan: oh yeah? why not?
me: well...
BlunderMan: see, you can't even give me a decent reason. you obviously have no idea what you are talking about, and maybe if you listen to me, you could learn something. i have been doing this for 17 yrs, you know.
me: alrighty then...

i'm sure you can imagine how well that particular application scaled...

anyway people, this shit has got to stop. i can't tell you how many bad decisions have been made on countless projects because of people like BlunderMan. i don't care who you are or what your do, not taking the time to understand or learn the environment your working in or a new business domain is a fucking recipe for disaster. every business does things differently. even if they are in the same domain. sure two different retail businesses might have very similar workflows, systems, BI processes, and so on. they might even use some of the same systems for inventory, financials or whatever...but even so, it doesn't matter. no 2 business entities do everything exactly the same, and for people to just blunder in and start making decisions and judgement calls without taking the time to get the "lay of the land" is just fucking beyond stupidity...

who are these guys...

project managers (PM for short)
i can't fucking stand them...these are people whose sole miserable, tortured existence is to make life a living hell for software developers world wide. where do they fucking come from? how many, i mean how many times have these god-awful moronic individuals have made life too miserable to live for?

there are a few different types, so in order to better prepare you for dealing with them, i've put together a little guide.

the first archetypical project manager up for discussion will be Just Enough Tech Skill To Be A Walking Fucking Nuclear Weapon.
you know them...you've seen them...you'll be sitting down trying, just trying for the love of god to write just a little bit of code, and before you know it, they goddamn POUNCE! total bamboozlement!! the best though is when your build won't compile any more and you later find out that while you were in the can (taking an enterprise piss-break), he stumbled by your cube and thought the code on your monitor didn't quite look right, so he took the liberty of fixing it for you. for your enjoyment here are some choice quotes that i've dug out from memory (and a friend of mine contributed the last one):

keeping a set of backups offsite is a terrible idea...what do you do when the system goes down and you need a backup?
- a PM who later told their boss that they were the dumbest network admins he's ever seen

what kind of data is it?...oh, it's pictures??... than we'll store them in the xml file, because they'll be too big for the database
- a PM who at the time thought he was real cutting edge

we should definitely get them talking to each other using web services
- a PM who was talking about 2 access databases installed on the same local machine (and thought he was cutting edge as well)

so how do you deal with these chronic masterbatory wankers? they're tough nuts to crack (literally). personally i like to (usually in front of as many devs as possible) give them such a verbal thrashing (more like an assault), that not only won't they ever talk to you again, but they won't talk to anybody else about anything technical every again. YAY! go ahead, the next time you run into one of these pricks, just let loose...you'll feel much better, i guarantee it!

the next one up is the Documentation Whore...
i love these guys...all they give a shit about is goddamn documentation. the project could be going down in flames, visual source safe's repository has corrupted everything for the 101st and final time, all 1500 stored procs were accidentally dropped and there is no backup, but as long as everything is documented, your good as gold. what's even better is that these morons NEVER read this shit.

dealing with these guys is the easiest...write enough gibberish to fill exactly 3 pages - make sure it has words in bold, words in italics, and some kind of bulleted list. (if you really want to wow the bastard, use a chart or two). after these 3 pages, go to the nearest printer, rip about 700 or so sheets out of it, and then, carefully place the first 2 out of the 3 pages on top of that monster pile of 700 sheets, while putting the 3rd page on the bottom of those 700 sheets of fury. once this garbage with the printer paper is finished, your ready to make the drop. put the whole thing in a binder (they really like 3 ring binders), and drop it off at the desired date and time. that's it! you're done!!

our final one for today will be the Buzzword Bullshitter
you knew this was coming, right? you're walking into a meeting a few minutes late, and as you walk thru the door you usually catch the tail end of something that sounds like, "...right! we'll use our object-oriented, SOA, web-service based, message based, schema based, enterprise development methodology, which will incorporate elements from XP, RUP, and DSDM, while maintaining our currently documented existing Best Practices..." whoa, buddy! you want to repeat that shit? who in their right fucking mind would be caught dead saying this shit?? unfortunately these people are serious trouble. in addition to making themselves sound like a walking, talking, poster child for CIO magazine, their buzzword bullshit threatens to derail everything you might have slaved for, because your shit wasn't built using the right buzzwords...

so how do you deal with these fucking broken records? simple...develop a deep penetrating gaze, stare them in the eye, sigh, and in the gravest of tones, say - "exactly."

although there are many different types of project managers, they often use the same weapons against developers all over the world.
these weapons are

• the meeting
• microsoft project
• the gantt chart
• excel
• whiteboards
• and so on

and they use words like resource, stakeholder, risk assessment, functional specification, tp reports...
blah, i just want to vomit my steaming fucking guts all over their nicely polished shoes.

on a serious note though, a lot of the problems that are plaguing software development today are a direct result of bad, no wait, pathetic project management. these shitheads are driving schedules, making feature choices, spouting off time estimates, making sure your time is wasted in meetings all goddamn day, and then telling you your not going to make your deliverables because your not following the plan. i don't get it...most software developers i know are loud, egotistical, and very, very strong willed...how has this state of affairs happend? and why do we continue to foster this situation??

ok, in my next post instead of some crazy, half-baked, nonsensical rant, i'll be posting some shit on .net development

intro

the tech industry and the people involved in it have a made a mockery of themselves in so many ways, it's kind of hard to pick some arbitrary starting point. i mean, there is j2ee vs. .net, open source vs. proprietary, richard stallman making sure that EVERYBODY knows the difference between the linux kernel and the gnu applications on top of it, which company makes the most flattering khakis for men 15 to 20 (and then some) pounds overweight...jesus, where do you start with all this shit???

being that this is my first post, i've decided to start with something relatively simple - words, phrases and acronyms. buzzwords that almost every moron in the software industry has had to lend a deaf ear to one time or another. also most of these words have been bashed to death on one way or another, so i'm admitting to not being too terribly original...but these i think are the top 5. (mosts posts will probably have strong language, a harsh tone, etc... so i apologize upfront to those who are offended)

ok, here we go!

Enterprise (or any phrase with the word Enterprise in it).
usage: "We need to make sure that we standardize on FileMaker Pro as our enterprise platform of choice," the tech-savvy development manager said to the CIO.

Oh man, if i had a penny for every time i've heard some moron say something about enterprise that or enterprise this....as soon as i hear it, my brain justs shuts down. just for once, instead of hearing some moron in a suit acting like a used car salesman telling me about the latest piece of "enterprise" technology, i'd love to hear, "look it's just a really big piece of fucking software that infests every nook and cranny of your company, is riddled with bugs, impossible to maintain, and Justs Doesn't Work." that would be nice. or when i hear if i use "technology x" in my code, all of a sudden my software will have enterprise scalability" or be "enterprise ready." or if my system was designed in exactly this fashion, it will have a "enterprise architecture." it's not so much a word anymore as it's a prefix...pretty soon we'll have enterprise developers developing enterprise software in enterprise cubicles taking enterprise sized coffee breaks, and as a result will have to take enterprise piss breaks into the enterprise urinals. however, this is not the only word that is completely meaningless...

Architect (or Systems Architect, Enterprise Architect ( which must be really meaningless), [insert any adjective here] Architect)
usage: as the architect connected the boxes in the VS 2005 Whitehorse designer in a moment of clear thought he realized..."i have no fucking clue what i am doing."

ok, here i must admit that i've actually had this label attached to my name over the course of my career in software development. just shows how meaningless the word really is because i still have no idea what the hell it means. when i'm introduced to somebody who is the "Architect" i think to myself - "oh...somebody who couldn't code worth shit, but was in too deep to leave the tech industry." personally i'm of the persuasion that if you are calling yourself an architect you better be able to write some pretty fucking great code, or it's back to the drawing board for you, buddy. as a software developer how can you have any respect for somebody that is designing (no, architecting) a system and can't tell the difference between a for loop and a do...while loop? are you kidding me? it's been my experience that when developers need help with an implementation or integration detail, or have questions, they are going to go to you...and telling them not to bother you because you're working on something more important or that you don't have time isn't going to cut it. while i don't have a definition for an architect, i could tell you some qualities that i would be looking for (in no particular order):

1. has experience with a variety of software methodologies (rup, xp, scrumm, tdd, crystal, flavor of the month...) 2. is a GREAT mentor 3. has a incredible understanding of the underlying platform being used for implementation 4. has no ego (very importand because he should...) 5. consider himself very much part of the development effort with all other developers. 6. is fantastic at communicating technical concepts to both technical and non-technical individuals 7. has knowledge to share and help in all aspects of development.

while no means exhaustive, i would think this would be a good start.

SOA
usage: "After reading the executive summary in eweek, the CIO felt comfortable in telling his staff that "you'd better make those access databases into a SOA, or it'll be your asses!!"

the latest buzzword to describe a software architecture that will revolutionize your world...within in the last 2 years or so (along with Web Services) this little acronym has been flooding the market - promising to make any business that finds a way to incorporate it will be so ahead of the competition that everyone else will just go bankrupt and die. not quite true...

Web Services
usage: It's because of web services that we can make our refrigerator talk to the bidet using a SOA
i don't even think i need to comment on this one...

Best Practices
usage: "By carefully explaining to the developers to make sure that you always concatenate all your strings into one big one for one Response.Write statement, the consultant felt confident that everyone on the development team will start to get into the habit of classic ASP best practices in no time."

i've never heard more diarrhea of the mouth...how many times have you heard "we make sure we are always following [insert software company name here] best practices." i had no idea that you could encompass every need in every company into a carefully constructed 2 - 4 sentence development guideline. pretty amazing, huh? i shit you not, the above usage example was not something i made up of out of thin air..."we'll take a best practices approach to this..." i've heard that way, way, way, too many times. basically if i hear this, it usually means, we have absolutely no idea what the hell we're doing, but it's a best practice so how bad can it be?? soooooooo meaningless. do you mean to tell me that you purposely try to write software using "worst practices?" how many times have you heard this, "we only need to go throught the loop 10 times, but i made sure we loop 10000 times just to be safe." the fact that you have to qualify anything using the phrase "best practices" seems pretty fucking scary to me.

at one point and time all the above words actually had a recognized connotation that developers and architects could use to easily communicate concepts that might not be easy to express in 1 or 2 words. now these words are just about meaningless because everybody HAS TO jump on the bandwagon (or they won't make money). having a common vocabulary really makes our jobs easier. this is one of the reasons why design patterns are so effective. (patterns actually almost made the list...maybe next time). instead of saying "well i got this class here, that other classes hook into, and when shit happens it lets them know," you can just say "we're using an observer here." and everybody understands (you would hope). how many shitty developers have you had to deal with because when they were interviewed they were able to spout out buzzwords at 90 million a minute (hiring practices are a whole other topic)?? by jumping on the bandwagon and just cumming at the chance to use these words over and over again, we all sound like a bunch of morons, but trust me, nobody is listening (except maybe the IT manager in charge of hiring).

if you've made it this far, thanks for your time. in addition i'd like to thank some others that i owe a way long overdue thanks to

this guy, this guy, this guy, and this guy
this guy, this guy, this guy, this guy and finally, this guy