the industry press release

one of the most powerful catalysts for a gut-wrenching, paralytic diarrhea attack is the meaningless press release. it seems like you can't go anywhere on the web without running into one of these fuckers. whether it's about some moronic fucking company who has just released the greatest piece of technology since microsoft bob (remember IBM's san francisco ...), or the anouncement of the latest fucking consultant supergroup, i'm sick of it -- trust me...i really don't need to be told in marketspeak euphamism bullshit just how your latest whatever is going to get me off in a passionate frenzy of orgasmic fury.

talk about a fucking mockery...you can't even read one of these things without running into 10 buzzwords, 5 industry luminary name-drops, and a reference to "numerous white-papers"...and that's all in the fucking FIRST SENTENCE! it's bad enough that industry professionals have to put up with this shit, but most of these things are for the general public! now wonder they think we're all a bunch of fucking dorks who speak klingon...

since there is so much bullshit going on, i've taken it upon myself to write a press release that is a little more realistic:

6.18.2004 - FLASH!!!!

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We are proud to present ObjectFools, a new high-tech, cutting edge, state of the art consulting and services company. We specialize in...uh...wait a second....ummmm...well we actually have no fucking clue what we specialize in. We're hoping that our snazzy flash-based, buzzword-ridden website and this vomit inducing press release will convince you sons of bitches to throw tons of money our way for absolutely no fucking reason what so ever!!

We believe in a No Value Added Approach. This approach enables us to infest your company with tons of clueless fucking consultants who know absolutely nothing (except words like Enterprise, SOA, Web Services...), while allowing us to continuously bill your ass until you are fucking bankrupt. We also make sure when we get near the half-way point of any of our projects, to bring in BlunderMan (or BlunderMen), making sure that all the work we've done goes to complete fucking waste. We will also supply you a team of committed Project Managers as well. We know when our client's business is in the faithfull hands of Documentation Whore, Buzzword Bullshitter, or even MeetingMan your project is on the road to absolute complete fucking disaster!!

THE TEAM:

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CutAndPaster
CutAndPaster comes from a long line of complete fucking buffoons. Flatly denying any rumors that he can't code worth shit or write any original code, he can Ctrl-c, Ctrl-v faster than you can say AOP. If you need something done, there is no doubt that with his extensive memberships to both free and pay developer websites, CutAndPaster will find the appropriate code to cut and paste into your project. If the pasted in code has bugs or doesn't work, CustAndPaster will discreetly and tactfully remind your ass, "Well, I didn't write this, somebody else did. Don't tell me it's my fault that your code just dropped every table in the database."

CutAndPaster's philosophy on coding can be summed up in one word: Reuse. According to him, "When I was studying OO design and analysis, I really learned the benefits of reuse. However, I don't think that people are taking this as far they could really go with it." CutAndPaster joined ObjectFools because after getting cought pasting Java code into a C# source file at his last job, his fucking incompetent ass was fired. Since joining ObjectFools, CutAndPaster has made a tremendous impression with our clients world-wide. To date, nobody has been dumb enough to invite his ass to any conferences, and yes - he is also not allowed under any conditions to write or publish books or whitepapers.

PhoneMan
To be honest, we don't know if PhoneMan knows even how to code...because he's always on the fucking PHONE!. If we at ObjectFools know one thing, it's that developers like it loud and noisy when they're coding. Just when you've figured out that tricky optimistic concurrency algorithm, what can be better than totally losing your concentration due to the fact that the fucking dipshit in the cube behind you is YELLING into the phone shit like, "I know baby, but CVS is so out of the way...do you really need another tub of Vaseline? I'll just spit on it instead...", or, "No, I'm going to really fuck the network up again so I can work another 14 hours fixing it...I can really use some extra cash, and billing all those extra hours is fan-fucking-tastic!" We also know our clients love to hear gems like..."Man, you gotta see these morons...these gotta be the dumbest motherfuckers I've seen...no wonder they needed shyster consultants like us!" That's what PhoneMan is all about. There is no subject too private, no topic too discreet for PhoneMan. Once you are in a 15 foot radius, there is no telling what you'll hear come out of PhoneMan!! Recently when asked by one of our clients why his productivity was absolute zero, he replied, "What is your fucking problem? Can't you idiots see that I'm on the fucking Phone? Now get the hell out of my office...NOW!" We are most proud that PhoneMan has found a home on the ObjectFools team.

PrototypeProductionMan
PrototypeProductionMan come to the ObjectFools team after successful stints at the Unemployment Office and the basement in his parents home. PrototypeProductionMan's talent is making sure that barely functional prototype mockups get rolled out into production. Exception management, security, separation of concerns between business logic and UI code, thread safety, resource management...these are all things you could say good-bye to with PrototypeProductionMan on site! With a mentality like that, it's no surprise that every production deployment ObjectFools has been involved with has turned into a completely fucking unmitigated disaster! At the end of the day, our clients should really thank PrototypeProductionMan as the reason we need to charge them a fucking arm and leg for post-rollout support and maintenance.

A PROVEN INDUSTRY TRACK RECORD:

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We take our track record seriously. With fortune 500 clients such as Enron, Anderson, and WorldCom, ObjectFools has been responsible for more total fucking disasters than any other firm in the industry. Combine this with the most incompetent, moronic, egotistical, clueless fucking talent in the industry, and you have the ObjectFools Experience!

now that's more like it ;)

Comments

[Brian Madsen]

what did you say the account number for ObjectFools was?

Wicked ... strange enough, try go over some of them with a spellchecker!! hehehehehehe..morons..imagine how much money some of these major companies spend on publishing retorical bullshit?

Also, a press release is an internal back-patter! WOAH...see how smart we are..we can convince even ourselves that we do a great job. Why can't these idiots not just wait for the public to notice them and have the public post a review?

sad neglected man-child!

[causticPhil]

actually, it's funny you should be asking for their account number, because they were just going to have their sales guy give you a ring...

[Brian Madsen]

alright..better be sure they get the right number then...

555-00-Do-Suck-A-Duck

it's freecall so don't worry about the charges :-)

[Who, me?]

A fine connection if I ever saw one!
http://www.bullshitjob.com/

[causticPhil]

thanks for the link...that's a goldmine!

[notacomputerperson]

well, being a technologically illiterate simpleton, like most people ---whom you despise,I didn't even grasp the point of the op-ed, I was still very entertained by the angry wit and impressed by the style of your piece---you should be careful however, because if Michael Powell and the FCC ever probe this site you will probably be shut down----I think your writing would be much more effectively received if you toned down the EXCESSVE FUCKING PROFANITY........

[Bill]

NotAComputerPerson:

Please don't make suggestions that would diminish the quality of Phil's site. I guess the FCC comment is said tongue in cheek but the Profanity is very funny and at the risk of pointing out the obvious, profane words are merely words. You had to teach yourself or be taught how to be offended by them and that's kind of lame.

So Phil, by all means, Please Keep up the User of the FUCKING PROFANITY - IT FUCKING ROCKS AND YOUR SITE TOTALLY FUCKING ROCKS.

[causticPhil]

bill: you fucking don't fucking have fucking to fucking worry fucking about fucking a fucking thing...

[Bill]

Phil: Now that I took your recommendation on that WONDERFUL movie GlenGary GlenRoss, I love the word FUCK even more. I also like people that write cool Fucking Web Sites and post cool Fucking rants about Annoying Fucking Morons that I hate as well. The only fucking thing that rules more than this fucking site is the bad ass mutha Fucka that fucking runs it ;-)

[causticPhil]

bill: thanks man...glad you liked it!

[Sean Schade]

You crack me up. I have worked for several consulting companies and seen the horrors from which you speak!

http://blog.magenic.com/seans/archive/2004/06/29/194.aspx

[Gibster]

you forgot UnderPaidGuyWhoDoesAllTheWork

[causticPhil]

gibster: i think we could all relate to that poor bastard...

[Erik Madsen]

Keep up the sarcasm, I love it. Reading your blog is like watching The Office or Curb Your Enthusiasm. It's so spot on it's painful, but at the same time very funny. Keep blogging.

[Bojo]

Here some stuff in the topic

http://www.perkigoth.com/home/kermit/stuff/bullshitbingo/

[Johno]

You should definately go into comedy, perhaps bring the employees of ObjectFools to life in their own show :)

[Justin Brown]

I simply say that its an outstanding work.

[coach outlet online]

Uh, it's really not that funny.