why do programmers have to be such fucking dorks?

why? is there some unwritten law or secret indoctrination ritual where it states that if you write code, you all of the sudden turn into this raging wankmaster of dorkness?

let's cover some various bases:

dress
look, just because you're a programmer doesn't mean that you have to look like a fucking live action version of the Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons. it doesn't need to be this way. unfortunately there is a look that is far more popular and is much worse...the khaki/poloshirt uniform. nothing broadcasts your role in some kind of tech industry louder than a nice crisp pair of fucking khakis and a poloshirt proudly emblazoned with some god-awful fucking logo on the top left corner. what i love about this is that some people who are wearing these shirts actually think that the logo itself is all that's needed for a conversation. admit it...how many fucking people have you seen wearing these fucking things...just waiting for that one brief moment of glory when someone looks at them, notices their shirt, and asks, "do you work for ?" you have just made these fuckers cream in their jeans (oops, i mean khakis).

with the invention of the casual friday, i had hopes to see a developer or two break out from the mold, but alas...these fuckers looked worse! i remember seeing a fellow employee in jeans one friday and exclaiming to him, "holy shit, you should just wear khakis all week long!" i was in awe! all casual friday means is that the khaki/poloshirt uniform becomes the jeans/poloshirt uniform. and trust me...on some people this is not flattering...and then there is the worst fucking programmer dork fashion disaster of all time...the dreaded suit pants with a poloshirt . has anybody else seen this shit other than myself?? dear lord...that shit has to be seen to be believed! oh and by the way...your ID badge is not a fucking fashion accessory. if you're not in the goddamn office, i don't want to see that shit. i couldn't care less that you are employee# 22155.

communication skills
this is the area that most developers are just completely and utterly lacking in. i'm a developer myself, and i can't even stand talking to these fuckers. can you think of any way to have a more awkward conversation that just having to chat with the typical developer? trust me...i don't want to hear about your triumphant saturday afternoon where you finally got your piece of shit linux distro to recognize your 3 year old cd-burner. guess what...nobody else wants to hear that shit either. also, the need to pontificate runs strong in the development community. i don't care how strongly you feel about that 271st comment you read on slashdot (ah, the open source zealot - another post about this is coming soon) on yet another story that claims how the world will end in complete fucking disaster if we don't see that microsoft is the root of all evil...all i asked you was, "how are you?"

please when in doubt just follow a few simple rules and you should be able to hopefully talk like a fucking normal human being:

• if you can't explain it with out resorting to the use of acronyms or words that were invented after the invention of the personal computer, you should probably just keep your mouth shut.
• if it might take longer than 2-3 minutes to explain, you should probably just keep your mouth shut
• if you absolutely still feel the need to say something, take the extra 10 seconds or so to make sure that what's coming out of your mouth is not Klingon (see below), if you can't do this, you should probably keep your mouth shut
• if anything you're about to say starts with "i" or "my", you should probably keep your mouth shut.

i know what your thinking...shit if i follow those rules i might never talk again. but trust me - it's better to be known as someone who doesn't say much, than just a dork with bad communication skills. also if you were ever wondering why you nailed your last technical interview and didn't get the job, it's probably because your communication skills just fucking suck.

hobbies
live action roleplaying is not something to brag about...not everybody is interested in the fact that you just saved the people of Kazath-Tor with your level 18 Sorcerer who was wielding the Wand of Wanksmanship +5...ok?? in addition, klingon is not something you speak, it's something you laugh at. let me tell you something buddy, you come to me speaking that shit, and i'll give you such a good swift kick in the ass that hopefully it will knock the dorkiness right out of you. how can you expect to be taken seriously when your idea of a good time is debating whether or not the sveshnikov variation has been eclipsed by the kalashnikov variation in the sicilian defense...and more importantly how will this change the face of opening theory for black? who the fuck cares? as above i've made a few simple rules that might help:

• if you confuse your real name with the moniker of your dungeons and dragons character, you need to take a break
• if you find yourself relating every situation in your life to one that the characters in the empire strikes back, the lord of the rings, and the 1st matrix film were in, you need to take a break.
• if you believe that chess is best played as a solo sport, you need to take a break
• if you can't tell the difference anymore between the code in your never winter nights module, and the code in the ERP module you just implemented while at the office, you need to take a break

oh, and prolonged, chronic masterbation contrary to what other developers might tell you, is definitely NOT a hobby you want discussion of to steer clear of the work place.

i plan on continuing this in a post further down the road. if anybody has any other ideas or other aspects of programmer dorkness, feel free to contribute! and also, i'm probably very guilty of almost all of these things at one time or another...

Comments

[Bill]

Ok, you've got me addicted to your site.

Can I add a few things though?

Talking about how you recompiled your stupid kernel to non-IT people makes you look like a complete dork. No one ever got laid bragging about their kernel, at least not by anything under 300 lbs

Stupid War Storied - In line with BlunderMan, nothing makes you look like more of a fucking dork than droning on about punch cards or some shit like that unless you find a way to make it funny (which I've only seen done once or twice). Most people don't know what the hell we do for a living so this means NOTHING to them and just makes us look like dweebs.

Wearing the same clothes for the past 10 years. Rule of thumb. If an item you wear casually is more than 3 years old, it's probably out of style.

Pretending to be a hacker "I like Hack just to find out stuff about systems, I do it so I know how to make my stuff better" Ok, like 300 people out there hack to get better at security. Most programmers can't hack shit. I hate listening to Programmers running around in front of lay people talking about their hacking abilities. "I could hack that system in 10 minutes if I wanted to" At best this usually means guessing someone's password but you sound like a fucking dork. If a system could get hacked into by every tom dick and harry, then there's nothing 3:33t about hacking it. And of all the people who claim hacking skillz, I found 0 that could do it. That's right, 0! Zilch, none.

Making stupid claims that are aimed at proving how smart you are. "Hey Brad, how do I get this to work?" "Well, you have to understand that it has a really complex algorithm and you wouldn't understand it. You don't understand how complex it is and how hard programming is blah blah blabh." These no talent a-holes make everyone think we are all arrogant assholes. Belittling non tech people is bullshit and usually it's only done by folks trying to cover up their lack of skills.

Talking about Science Fiction - Just because it's science fiction doesn't make it cool. Everything in a SciFi show doesn't need to have 20 colors and look stupid. Andromeda SUCKS! Jar Jar Binks was retarded. Calling Babylon 5 "B5" is lame. Star Trek was never that cool, and there's nothing more lame than droning on and on about "Trekkers" vs "Trekkies"

Also, being involved with stuff like this http://www.heartofanempire.com/ is so lame
it defies words.

[KF]

My only comment here is yep, but what about the hardware/networking dudes? They're more apt to wear those polo shirts you are describing, and I can spot those guys in a crowd quicker than I can a programmer nowadays. Now, not all hardware/networking types fall in this category, but there are a lot of dudes running around with "Certs," and you can always spot them in a crowd. I find these a lot more annoying than the programmer-types you mention, but then, that is probably just a matter of perspective..:-)

[causticPhil]

bill - i couldn't agree more. this topic is really like shooting fish in barrel though. you could go on forever. i was actually going to write quite a bit more, but my fiance (and believe me...she'll be getting her own posting as well) was starting to get really cranky and wanted to get to bed.

KF - you are right on about the hardware/networking guys (who microsoft calls the "IT Professionals." and your right, most of the dress code shit really does apply to them more so than developers nowadays.

[Bill]

KF, you mean you don't get real excited about A+ Certifications? Networking is really bizarre b/c you can't really guage it. Most of the better ones I've seen have been tech school grads that just love their work. But there are a ton of them that play know it all and don't have a clue. Our Admin is 23 and he's probably the baddest dude I've worked with, the sob is fearless and always gets stuff done. But a girl that works for him (who's been here 2 years longer than he has) and is Mrs Networking, responded with "127.0.0.1" when she was asked what a client's IP Address was so they logs could be verified. Mixed world out there, and I think IT dudes are much more prone to BS although both professions have too fucking many of them

[Bob]

Well you tell us how the f*** you look like. See how hard we laugh.

[causticPhil]

bob - trust me...if i did you fuckers would all drop dead laughing...i am not a pretty sight. my fiancee could probably vouch for that as well!

[buk]

I like to refer to logo'ed polo shirts as adult frat-wear. "Hi I am sooo cool! I work for Gagcenture!" Save yourself the snickering and wax your car with the freebies.

I also enjoy people with baggage tags on their laptop bag. Do you EVER check the laptop at the airport? Do you ever leave it somewhere where you would have trouble identifying which PORT / Targus bag is yours? If you have, chances are you have had it stolen enough times that you've been fired.

[buk]

(the baggage tag I am referring to above is of course the laminated business card variety)

[JAMES]

I don't think there's anything wrong with polo shirts and khakis; I've had attorneys who wear same. The cardinals rules are:

a) you must wear a real polo shirt (Brooks Brothers, Ralph Lauren, etc.), NOT a freebie. What makes the techie polo shirt look so bad is that they're usually handouts.
b) the colors MUST MATCH. I repeat: MATCH the COLORS. And generally, that means don't wear anything off-turqouise.

[Phil]

Great Post!

1. I like to wear jeans and a polo shirt plus sneakers whenever I can get away with it. The only corporate logo I wear is the Ralph Lauren polo logo, I try to stay away from wearing the company-pride polo shirt whenever possible.

2. People with ponytails either need to find a way to wear their hair long without the gross rubber band dohickey, or they should cut their hair. I especially find it disgusting when a guy with long hair puts his hair into a ponytail in the middle of a meeting.

[Ted]

Just to add, my favourite dork stereotype is the 'school trousers, school shoes and free tshirt' man. These people dont know how to dress themselves so just wear what there mummies put them in. And when they become to large for these clothes, due to excessive eating of snack foods while watching star trek marathons and playing online dungeons and dragons all night, they result in going down to the cheapest store they can find and replacing their garments with the closest match possible. Either that or they apply for another free tshirt off the back of a crisp packet. Note, growing too tall for your trousers does not make them a bad fit in the case of the dork, it just means others have more opportunity to see their captain Kirk socks.

I have also noticed that when these people try to blend into reality they often use excessive amounts of hair gel or instead decide to let everyone see that they used soap to wash their hair.

I'd just like to give my mate a shout out. When one of his laces broke on his 1993 school shoes (the ones he still wears) he replaced it with a football boot lace, because it was cheaper! It looked like he was skipping down the street when ever he walked.

[skicow]

So I guess wearing that free Oracle 'STACK YOUR WAY' T-Shirt that I just got in the mail would be bad?

[Beast]

Hey fucking dorkboy,

Dorkboy fucktard - "if anything you're about to say starts with "i" or "my", you should probably keep your mouth shut."

The next paragraph begins with I, proving that you are the Dumbass type of geek, not smart, but hiding behind your smart image to fool others.

I'm with BILL. Post a pick of your fugly, trash talkin, ass. Bitch coward dorkboy fucktard.

I've posted my photos up. U do the same.

[noone]

"is there some unwritten law or secret indoctrination ritual where it states that if you write code, you all of the sudden turn into this raging wankmaster of dorkness?"

You have cause and effect the wrong way round. People who base decisions on what other people think of them generally will not end up in a career based on XML parsers and COM Interop.

Really, who gives a toss if your clothes are 'out of style' when you could spend the money on an iPod instead? Clothes are clothes, but an iPod is cool!

[boddiesdrinker]

on the dresscode issue, there's another one you missed, but it may be an english thing; socks and open-toed sandals. Wearing sandals should a reason to get bludgeoned to death anyway, but it does seem to be 'de rigeur' to wear socks and bloody sandals whenever it gets mildly sunny. Like i said, it may be an english thing.

[The Dude]

Bullshit. I know many programmers (I'm one of them) and none of them does even remotely fit your description.

[JB]

I concur with the sentiments expressed in the post about "... ending up in a career based on XML parsers...". People who are attracted to programming often have a different set of life objectives/priorities.

I would refer you to pg 170-195 of the bible called the Dilbert Principle.

[Ian Ward]

i was only able to put this answer together after reading you following post entitled: ".net and other development books". if you're looking for an answer to "why do programmers have to be such fucking dorks?", that is it, my friend. if i had to read that many books to do my job, not only would i be unemployed, but divorced and be more of a fucking dork than i am, now. i only hope that once i do begin a serious project in .NET that i need to read a fraction of that amount to produce quality software, or i'm screwed.

beyond that, your blog kicks ass. thanks for taking time out of your busy reading schedule to make me laugh.

[Bill]

Beast: I think you meant Bob - I didn't diss Phil b/c he's the man. I don't see what you guys are getting pissed at him for either, I haven't read a single word that isn't the absolute truth. The part about role playing was the absolute best and it'd definitely be cool if a lot of us didn't act like being a douche bag is cool - Role playing is for 0's

[Gumble]

Damn the dress sense (at least here in New Zealand) is horrific. The thing I hate the most is those odd crosstrainer boot shoe things with jeans and a polo shirt. Even worse, those stupid climbing/activity/offroad shoe/boot things with dress pants. Those things are for climbing mountains not sitting on your fat ass. Sport shoes are for sports, not the office. Things that are versatile aren’t fashionable. Things that are cheap look crap. The way you present yourself is the way the world perceives you. The world percieves geeks as losers who belong in the dungeon (w/ their dragons) and only should be allowed out when the email stop working.

I went to a Microsoft summit thing recently and snuck my younger brother in cause He was studying and wanted to meet and great some prospective employers. I obviously had become desensitized to it all cause he burst out laughing at the complete geek fest that it was. The only ones that dressed like normal people were the actual Microsoft people (and a sprinkling of others that will no doubt become salesmen soon anyway).

[causticPhil]

gumble: great point. it's almost impossible to tell sometimes just how absurdly over the top these geekfests get due to the fact that you become desensitised to all these morons...and yes...most of these morons also have no understanding about how the world peceives them anyway....

[Steve]

1) Anyone that turns themselves into walking billboards with corporate logos should be shot, or at least prevented from reproducing. This, of course, has nothing to do with being a programmer/IT worker. The biggest offenders are wearing Nike, Adidas, Gap, etc. clothes.

2) Anyone who has ever used the words "out of style" without irony should be shot. If a shirt is getting old and full of holes, then yes, it should be retired and worn for yard work or changing the oil in your car (And later to cleaning rag). If there are no holes, rips, or stains, then it is perfectly servicable weather it is a year old or 15 years old.

3) As for social/conversational skills: I would much rather talk to someone who rattles on about kernel patches than someone who's conversational range ends with sports and the latest TV shows. This is useful for weeding out people who aren't worth waisting time on. If someone mentions last nights episode of a reality TV show or asks if you watched "the game", it's a good idea to excuse yourself.

[Ash]

"I" am coder and i also know lots of coders and none of us wat ur saying.polonecks and khakis...?? dude we wear baggies and takkies and cool half life and ut2k4 t-shirts.and caps and benos :D...i mean comon???dont u belive in the matrix..OMFG WTF!!! im gonna pwn u u fU*IN n00b w00T!!! come on irc and ill hack u u frikkin nooby n00b!im gonna own u!

:-)

[GEEKS DONT GET LAID]

Geeks and Dorks....

I don't have much problem with harmless geeks and dorks who just doesn't possess any fashion sense. It is OK to watch Star Trek and do other dorky stuff on your personal time. doesn't bother me as long as they are not in my fac.e

I do have problems with programmers who wear fugly sheet on purpose! They actually are PROUD of their dorkiness and show it off like a badge of honor. Ever hear dorks argue about geek stuff in public? Ever see dorks wearing fugly clothes because they actually think that makes them look cool? Ever see dorks wearing those thick glasses because they think they are smart? Whenever I encounter these obnoxious dorks, I just laugh at them "Ha Ha...if you are so smart then why haven't you figured out how to get laid?"

[jack]

Man you guys have a real bad look on programmers i dont know any programmers who act or look like you described i myself am a programmer i dress in baggy pants shirt and am as big as a football player, and i dont use glasses. TV really does a poor job of showing programmers and you shouldnt base your judgement on tv