causticTech

5 jazz albums...

for your listening pleasure, i present to you 5 jazz records:

Extended Play / Live at Birdland
Dave Holland
dave holland's group is probably one of the best modern jazz groups playing today. this live double cd is fucking amazing. everything about this record is superlative. the playing, compositions, soloing, and interplay are some of the finest to be heard. just buy it, and take heart in the fact that your getting one of the greatest live records to be released in the last ten years or so.

Gone, Just Like a Train
Bill Frisell
this was one of frisell's earlier post trio releases. it is also one of his greatest records (in a discography that is full of a shitload of great records.) some people find it really difficult to categorize frisell's music, but with someone like frisell, musical genres become completely meaningless. it's just awesome shit, and this disc has some of the best on it.

Still Live
Keith Jarrett
the piano trio format (piano, bass, drums) is one of jazz music's oldest and most venerable formats. here is one of the greatest piano trios ever, captured live on one of their best nights. if you think you know anything about jazz, and don't know who these guys are, you need to be shot, or have your ears ripped off for being so insolent (or maybe just a really good brow-beating will do). if you think your a pianist, bass player or drummer, listen to this and realize you should just give up.

Hyperion With Higgins
Charles Lloyd
in the late 60's charles become on of the tenor saxophone players. after some personal debacles, he went into forced retirement and obscurity. at somepoint decades later, he came out of retirement and started recording some really amazing, beautiful (almost chamber-like) music for the famous ECM label. this is one of his greatests discs from that period. it is also one of the few discs ever to capture the same intense emotional and spiritual mood that made coltrane what he was.

Anthem
Ralph Towner
unlike the albums above, this one is just solo guitar music. many guitarists have no fucking clue who ralph towner is, and all that shows is that they are completely ignorant to one of the most influential guitarists of the last 3 decades (and good music in general). neither flashy, immature, or tone-deaf, ralph plays some of the must sonically crystalline, pure, and beautiful music ever to come out of a guitar. most solo guitar music is either just intellectually insulting, just plain masterbatory wanking, or completely devoid of any emotional and spiritual depth. fortunately for us, their are players like ralph towner.

The Language Snob

part 3 in an ongoing series of developer stereotypes...

for some reason that is so fucking completely beyond me, programmers all over the world are ridiculously proud of and have an almost erotic obsession with what they would call "their programming language of choice." As a matter of fact, there are some developers out there that are so fucking gung-ho about their language that they become one of the most dreaded programmer stereotypes of all time...the feared and ignorant Language Snob. trust me... these close-minded cocksuckers are probably numero uno when it comes to making trouble (aside from the Open Source Zealot, of course)...

actually, i'll be honest. i have no fucking clue where these people come from. something tells me though that as soon as the 1st programming language was born, the first moronic diabolical Language Snob was born very shortly thereafter. What on earth could make somebody so obsessed with a programming language that they are literally willing to mutilate and kill for it? i can only imagine the bizarre childhood that these absolute weirdos must have gone through where a pavlovian response of an intense, raging hard-on is induced just by the mere mention of the letter C (or the letters V and B for that matter). it's like they're the meatheads of software development and are always on a fucking constant roid-rage. personally, i can think of many other things that would give myself a raging hard-on (like boobs for instance), but that's just me.

As far as developer stereotypes go, these insolent bastards are probably the most visible of them all. (at least in my experience...your milage may vary.) This is usually due to the rampant steaming diarrhea that is vomited forth from that stenchful abyss they call their mouths...constantly. i mean these guys are fucking implacable! they are absolutely relentless in excreting the bullshit that is the "virtue of my programming language." there is no place, time or person that is safe from all this nonsense...

let take a look at some of the more interesting Language Snob scenarios:

the book store ambush
how many times has this happend to you (or maybe it just happens to me because i'm such a goddamn asshole magnet)...you're in the book store checking out the books on programming languages, and as soon as you pick up a promising title on language x... WHAM!!! some imbecile starts approaching you (who you could've sworn was not even there a second ago) and without any further introduction, says something along the lines of, "why would you want to check out that shit for?? you should do yourself a favor and check out this language instead!!"

what the hell is that?? how the fuck do i even begin to answer a question like this? obviously since i'm a developer my communication skills are sorely limited to begin with, in addition there is the fact that i have problems talking to complete fucking nincompoops, AND i just love having my time being completely fucking wasted on morons such as yourself. right, the last thing i want to do during the day is have a fucking competely inane, pointless argument with a 18-25 year old, trenchcoat wearing, acne-ridden, mildly overweight, greasy haired virgin like yourself. however, let me think of some possible responses:

• a good swift kick in the ass
  direct and simple. sometimes that's the only way to combat such pure fucking idiocy. it also has the element of surprise. the last thing that anybody would be expecting from a software geek (especially in a book store) is an ultra violent, deadly, ninja like beating that would be considered borderline psychotic. despite all these advantages though, it is a little too flashy for a nonchalant guy like myself. i have also found that it attracts way too much attention from onlookers as well. it also has the serious side effect that if you work yourself into a wild enough frenzy, an innocent bystander or too might get caught in the horrific crossfire.
  
  
• ignore (which is also basically the same as the abort and retry responses)
  i have a fondness for this approach because i'm lazy and this response requires the least expenditure of effort. it also carries with it the extra bonus of really pissing off the moron that approached you in the first place. with the exception of the fact that it does not produce the instantaneous feeling of smug satisfaction and is not quite visually spectacular as the method above, it generally is the most often used.
  
  
• tell him your moronic BlunderMan boss is making you buy it for him
  oh, wait...nevermind. this response is a disaster because you'll probably get some sort of response like, "yeah dude!!...like i totally know what you mean, man!" thereby inducing more garbage from this guy as opposed to just shutting him the hell up.

there are plenty of other responses as well but i don't want to go on forever, so i'll leave some of the others as exercises for the reader to discover on his own. please feel free to be creative as possible...interpretive dancing, ethnic music, chrome kitchen appliances, and marital aids are all things you should feel free to incorporate...

the language war
you knew i couldn't get through this without mentioning the Language Snob's weapon of choice, right? where else but in a language war can you see adult and children alike act like completely moronic, cocksucking, fools? man, i love following these things. talk about something to brighten your day! anyway, they usually start off because wankmaster x has decided to publish, post, or yammer something derogatory about language y, thereby insulting and causing much loss of manliness from development community z, who write code in nothing but the aforementioned language. now obviously this ridiculous geek/dork/wank challenge cannot go unanswered. inevitably there is somebody who is either insecure enough, sick and tired of being bullied, or is just plain stupid enough to respond to this shit (that was said with the express intention of starting just this kind of shit in the first place). before you know it, every fucking dork on the planet now feels the duty, obligation, or whatever to defend their language. YEEHAW!!...let the fireworks begin!! it's great...and every language has their stock statements of choice that usually follow these well known patterns:

"well i use my language because it's soooooo much more productive!
"well my language gives me so much more power"
"sigh...why can't we all get along and just use my language??"

now...to see how ridiculous all this is, substitute the word "cock" for the word "language" in the bullet points above. what you might not know though is that there are all kinds of wars like this each one with their own themes and flavors. here are some of the ones that have been fairly prominent:

• me against the world
  this is the one that c++ programmers all over the world have been and currently continue to fight. despite their best efforts, they are slowly losing this brutal war of attrition. (on both fronts: the c# and java). lisp is fighting this very same kind of war as well.
  
  
• the civil war
  this is the one between programmers who program in vb.net vs. those who program in c#. despite the fact that they share a common framework, there are morons out there that feel the insecure need to beat each other up and cause other mindless dissension in the ranks.
  
  
• jihad, or the holy war
  this one is between java programmers and c# programmers. never has there been a more heated debate between to languages (or the morons who develop in them). to see what i mean, just do a search on "c#" in the comp.lang.java.advocacy newsgroup. i can't tell you how much time i have wasted laughing so hard at the shenanigans between these two languages. in case your wondering, the ongoing hootinanny between perl and python belongs here too.
  
  
• blitzkreig
  when the c++ empire consolidated, it destroyed smalltalk in two weeks. one day, smalltalk was there being touted like java was a few years ago (as a matter of fact, byte magazine a very long time ago dedicated an entire issue to it), only to die at the c++ onslaught during the 90s.
  
  

i should thank all the people who have participated in these flamefests the world over for the countless hours of enjoyment you've given me. unfortunately though, this is just one more trick that the monstrous Language Snob has used time and time again to lure innocent young developers into his den of iniquity and have his way...plus, there are much better things to argue about too, like who was frank zappa's best drummer (if you don't know, it's vinnie colaiuta, period), or just how much heroin did miles davis actually take, or was wiles lucky, or did he really know what he was doing when he proved fermat's last theorem??

don't fall for this bullshit...

if all you have is a hammer...
this is another disastrous, project killing Language Snob trait. this basically translates into complete fucking bumblers using the wrong tool for the wrong job. listen, duechebag...there is a reason why people don't write "line of business applications" in assembler. conversely, there is a just as valid reason why people don't write linux hardware drivers in visual basic. regardless, the Language Snob plows on because he's totally confident in the fact that his language is the only tool to get the job done. maybe it's because i'm lazy, but i just can't understand the absolute masochistic need to write a 1000 line console program when you could write the same moronic fucking thing in about 100 lines of c# or java code ( or even less in visual basic or python). not only that, but it would be easier to debug and maintain as well. i guess those things aren't really high on the Language Snob's list. i mean, who writes code that would want to be easy to debug and maintain?? how do you fucking explain such aberrant fucking behavior? i'm sure i'm not the only developer out there who has seen more than his far share of projects that have had to go through complete rewrites because some fucking Language Snob decided that the implementation MUST be in his language. assuming you understand the advanced, complex, and sophisticated concepts of assignment, selection, and iteration, how fucking hard can it be to add another tool to your tool belt, you lazy fuck? why do you think nobody showed up to fujitsu's building transactional web-applications using object cobol for .net seminars??

there are many other disastrous traits as well that the Language Snob has incorporated into his MO. these are only some of the highlights. these guys are dangerous. especially when they are decision-makers. yeah, i got it...i'll take the objective route, and at the risk of completely fucking derailing the project, i'll recommend we go with MY language!!! wow...wouldn't you love somebody like this on the team??

by the way, there recently was a minor skirmish in the civil war here. (this is a fairly well known vb guy's response to a page about c#. put it this way...that page has to be some of the biggest and purely opportunistic FUD i've ever seen, and i'm a c# guy!).

learn blithering idiocy in 21 days

it seems the technical publishing industry has finally given up. it's at the point now where they'll publish anyfuckingthing by anyfuckingbody. although there are many high-quality titles available (you can find a few here), compared to the colossal shit-load of garbage that's out there it's like they're fucking anomalies. there are just so many problems...of which the majority seem to converge on the fact that most publishers are more interested in making a tidy profit at your (and sometimes the authors) expense, rather than offering quality technical material. they're not even subtle about it anymore. even my favorite publisher addison-wesley has managed to publish some of the most god-awful pieces of shit ever written.

let's take a further look...

the complete fucking moron's guide to breaking my builds
ok, this shit has just got to stop. if you're in the book store and any book title that follows the following pattern:

learn (or teach yourself) [insert moronic tech-skill flavor of month] in [insert a ridiculously quick time period]

or

the complete [insert derogatory adjective] idiot's guide to [again, insert flashy tech-skill of the month]

or

[and once more, insert flashy-tech skill of the month] for dummies

starts to arouse your curiosity, please...PLEASE...PLEASE...FOR THE LOVE OF GOD...GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE NOW!! just by putting your hand on the spine of one of these fuckers you're guaranteed to loose about 120 IQ points, drool uncontrollably, shit your pants, and start babbling like a lunatic at an insane asylum. these kinds of titles are not helping anybody. i hear you say, "well, they might be good for the hobbiest, enthusiast, or other non-professional." Well...you would be right, however, i'm not quite talking about that (or any of the people microsoft felt compelled to offer a toddler line to.) what i'm talking about is the dipshit who was doing just fine as whatever for 19 years, and then decides, "i'm sick of this shit...i'm gonna be programmer!" after a quick trip to the bookstore our hero arms himself with several of the aforementioned titles and WHAM...21 days go by and now armed with his newfangled knowledge this fool is ready to lead your next mission-critical project... or at least start applying for jobs that have the words enterprise or architect in their titles.

this is a problem. i've never heard shit like this going on in other professions. when was the last time you were meandering through the bookstore and you spied learn vascular surgery in 24 hours? the whole concept is just so fucking misleading, plain and simple. it's like they're pandering to all those people who are so fucking insecure that they don't give themselves enough credit to actually learn something from a book whose reading level isn't so goddamned dumbed down that a fucking 8 month old chimpanzee could read it. i'm also convinced that to get one of these abominations published, you have to include tips, fast-facts, do's and dont's and enough sidebar material to the point where it's so fucking disruptive you can't even finish the page. and of course, you need to end every chapter with classic lines like this:

"attaboy!! you see, you can do it!! programming real-time, concurrent, multi-threaded, asynchronous medical life-support systems really is easy!!"

i just wished they made these books with considerably softer paper. that way i can use them to wipe my ass with and then when i've used up the whole book, i can wrap it up and fedex it over to which ever publisher was responsible...

WROX bashing from novice to pro
what can i say about these fuckers that hasn't already been said? these guys have been the whipping-boy of the industry forever. in fact, they became such a fucking disaster that a couple of years ago they went belly-up. at one point and time they produced some nice titles that were single authored. i remember a time whenever you looked in the bookstore you would see that fucking face of ivor horton, relentlessly stalking you around the computer section in the various guises of c, c++, and java books for beginners. (does anybody know if that guy is even alive??) somewhere though, they just went totally fucking bonkers. they started shafting their authors, releasing material on questionable subject matter, stopped editing their titles all together, and god knows what else. what i really want to know was who was the fucking genius that decided every one of these blood-red pulsating tomes of horror MUST HAVE 70+ authors? yeah, what a brillant idea! we'll take 80 authors with 80 completely different writing styles and with vastly different levels of expertise, and throw all this shit without any editing or proofing into one book! nobody has said anything, but i am absolutely convinced that somewhere there has to be a wrox java title that actually has a chapter from a c# book that was put into it by accident and nobody noticed. this is the level of incompetency i'm talking about here folks.

in addition to the above, i really wouldn't be doing wrox justice if i didn't bring up their cover concept. who had the balls for that idea? let's take what could be collectively the world's largest group of ugliest bastards on the planet (software developers), and fucking plaster the cover with a nice ridiculously large , no-holes barred, blown up head-shot. unreal! after awhile though, one face just wasn't enough. they started posting team shots! some of these pictures are so bad, after seeing one or two of these cursed titles, my fiance almost turned lesbian. (and that would've really pissed me off.)

it's only a matter of time before we see: "VH1 behind the idiocy: the wrox author team"

a preview of bullshit 2.0 BETA
here's another one of the biggest industry scams. the subject of the book doesn't technically exist yet, but that hasn't stopped them from publishing a book about it and CHARGING your ass for it! you know there might be a problem when you see something on the cover along the lines of "blah, blah, blah, has not been finalized, blah, blah, blah, this is just a preview, blah, blah, blah, we are not responsible." some publishers get so crap-happy over this shit, i remember seeing some book that had NT 5.0 in the title. everyone of these little fuckers should have a large outlined box on the back of the book that says something along the lines of "before you spend your hard-earned cash, you should also check out some of the available FREE resources. [show listing of various free recources] if you find you still need hand-holding and nurturing, then by all means, waste your money on me!"

these books are also responsible for encouraging one of the most insidious and moronic mind-games of all times in the software industry...the "you're falling behind your peers in knowledge and skill, and you need to catch up!" this basically translates into, "you must buy this shit, because if you don't, you'll be obosolete!" BULLSHIT! don't buy into this diarhea inducing garbage for a second. resist the urge to feel rushed into buying this shit so you can be ready. trust me...old stuff, new stuff...it's all going to be around for quite sometime.

publishing industry diarhea UNLEASHED
outside of the above, there are so many, many more disgusting publishing industry shananigans. how many times have you read something like, "the sample code is provided on the CD", only to find that this particular title has NO cd! big fucking surprise there... or how many collective hours has the entire software industry fucking wasted just trying to get the "sample" code to compile?? there is also the "nth edition phenomenon." this where 6 months after the 1st edition is released, the newer, better, faster, stronger, second edition comes out. to get the 50 or so pages of the new content (out of usually 500-1000 pages) you're charged FULL PRICE. there is also the "follow the leader" gag too. this is where one publisher has a book on technology X, so now every other publisher has to have a book on technology X too. in the blind rush to get their book out to market, they will release drivel-infested garbage like you've never seen.

seriously folks....when will it end??