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October 12, 2004



A fucking men brother! And the best part of half testers - "Go ahead and bang on it, I mean, really, hit it as hard as you can because I REALLY want to make sure it works" Translation - I didn't test it and I'm not very confident in it - please waste your time testing my shit for me. Every damn time it takes usually two method calls tops to break the crap. "Ooops, I uhhh, well, gimme a minute". Then you get in a fucking recursive loop with the shit, two methods, kaboom. Any time you hear bang on it, run for your life. Sure, REAL professionals will have you bang on their shit because they tested the fuck out of it and want to make sure it works. But the REAL Professional to "I read Teach yourself VB in 24 hours so I call myself a Software Engineer" developers is like 1/100 on a good day. And every 1/2 asser talks like a professional so that means 99 times out of 100, when you hear this, you just changed job titles to Software Tester until you show them every fucking thing the overlooked. And that assumes that you don't have to fix the shit. Hmmm, I guess Normalizing tables isn't so fucking overrated after all is it there einstein? I guess modular code isn't just trendy bullhsit after all is it? I guess unit testing isn't all bullshit is it?

You know, in all the time I've worked in development, I've never heard one person tell the HR person on payday "You know, I really kind of slacked off for a few days and cut corners - please take back some of this pay you gave me" yet they BITCH loud when someone in India with some self-respect and talent does their job for them. I mean seriously, if you asked every developer out there ,"Are you lazy and do you have a lot of bad habits" - only the good developers would probably say yes - trust me on this one, the sum of their answers would be much less than the sum if you asked "How many lazy people have you worked with and/or people that had terrible habits they refused to fix" (Yes, I know there'd be double counting here, but even if you factored that out it'd still be a huge discrepancy!

Again Phil - you knocked this one out of the park!

thomas woelfer


you're back.

great !

thomas woelfer


thanks guys...i'm glad to be back


Nice one Phil, and good to have you back!

One thing that lazy coders do that I hate would have to be formating their code! or rather NOT formating their code...

sub foo
dim x as integer
if x < 1 then
end if
end sub



Hey, a fucking nitpick here: the three keystrokes just tell you the code compiles or not, it doesn't make it compile. This was a bit too oversimplifying, but otherwise the post was cool. Slightly too fucking harsh language, but that's just me, I guess. 8-)


I've never been a fan of "Thinks VSS inside VS.NET is trustworthy source control man"

Anonymous Architect

Phil, take this a part answer "why laziness?" and also perhaps a good topic for you to unload some heavy ammo later on. Here is a head start for ya:

here is what happens every other week in this great fucking industry. you post your 20+y exp resume and do the rest of this little dance to show your willingness to spread the cheeks. meet that MBAs with no trace of anything resembling experience of intelligence or few ex-farmers from Bangalore area for some reason running the software shop and who finally a getting a clue that they will need a bit more then their parent fortune to actually *create* some of that strange shit called “software”. you’d show them few UMLs of big architectures you done, key screenshots of all that dozen or so shipped products with couple millions install base, personal refs which glow so fucking bright they ought to give 1rd degree radiation burns to anyone who reads them. After they eyes glaze over enough to say "great", they’d offer you some welfare just to afford interest payments on housing in one of this ridiculous areas like Silicon Valley. Of course they also will give you some some self-masturbatory toy to keep your hands busy during long nights - like "software architect" or "team lead" or may be even double-phalled "XYZ Evangelist and Chief Architect".

the real anal penetration part begins when you take a good hard look on stock allocation. if you are one of this little fucking morons wasting your best years in poorly lit cubicle, best you can hope for in startup is like 0.1-0.2% of stock if you are DAMN LUCKY. if you already smart enough to invest in fancy sexy labels in advance, may be you will push it to 0.5% as (audience laughter here) "architect".

Reality is, chances to go IPO is about 1 in 10 000. Google is great success story to excite halfwits, and it does happens once per generation, but Google already is *that* statistical one, you have to live and work in the rest of 9999 startups. So what you and your brilliant MBAs and VCs can hope for? Acquisition of course. Nowadays you hardly can get more then 200-300M if you are DAMN LUCKY again. VCs side of things needs no comments for anybody over age of 10. Company probably will get to split 100M after deal close after VC prefered common and preferences play out. Your management sits tight with 5-10% stock slots *each*, and will go home with something like 5 to 10M *each* after few years of *your* hard work. If you get this dick cap called “Architect” or “Lead” you can hope for something like 500-700K out of it, which will be just enough for you to payout good chucnk of the fucking house you ALREADY LIVE in, and you are back on the street again, lubing your anus for next customer. Your MBAs will send you a greeting card from every stop they make on their yacht. And of course if you are one of this cubicle-fucked morons, you will get your lame 100-200K and go tell the other half-wits like yourself how great it is to change the world in startup where you will spend your entire life, untill of course carpal tunnel or fucked up eyesight will move you to well deserved soup-kitchen, hopefuly before you can incendentially leave any offspring.

So taking it all together, simple answer to this is: WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I BOTHER with all this quality, responsibility and professionalism? Save the time and energy for your own startup to build with couple of your bright friends at night in garage, and give these fuckers at dayjob just as much as they sorry cheap asses deserve. And when you get the money to hire cubicle developers, do try to find for that unique breed of cretins who allow themselves to be fucked with elephant dick and yet will honestly try to do something for you for virtually ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.


44 'fuck's! Great return. Nice to have you back...

Anonymous Wanker

and the only thing that fucks me off worse than the truth inherent in Anonymous Architect's rebuttal, is that there's an entire community of self-righteous open source zealots who are willing to skip the whole 'getting assfucked by an inept CEO' phase and just whore themselves out from the beginning, sacrificing their eyesight and wrists and working hours and fruits of their labor for sweet fuck all. And jump all over the people who think they should make a few bob for wasting their lives in front of a screen.

caustic, I wish I could buy you a pint for this classic post, and AA, I'd sort you out with one too. fuck it, while we're on the subject of being bent over and forgetting to gird outselves up, how bout I just say the whole night's drinks are on me.


Anon A & Anon W: i couldn't agree more. developing corporate software has to be the most painful fucking way to force all motivation out of a human being...

anon wanker...i think i'm ready for that pint now!


Good to see you back in action Phil.

Scott C. Reynolds

PHIL! Welcome back!


glad to see marriage has calmed the ire!
If we're going to rant about lazy a*seholes, then how about the t*sser that, even though they check code in, finds it too much effort to actually write a comment to help others determine WHY they've been altering code - odds are that the muppet that doesn't bother adding a comment is the same muppet that checks in broken code.


At least there was nice italic and bolded text!


Glad to see you back Phil. Loved the last comment. Couldn't agree more. I think we all get lazy from time to time.
I like to think of programming like an art form, although sometimes it can be work. Most of the time I feel like I am creating something very beautiful, until some moron decides he/she wants the program to do something that I don't agree with. At that time I could give two shits about what the code looks like anymore and that laziness comes right out in me. As long as it is still art to me, I am very proficient in what I am doing, but when it becomes work, I begin to get lazy about it.

Arnt Karlsen

..these lazy rants are caustic? I find them whiny.

..you might wanna google for "Sissy Boy George". ;-)

Tired Of Whiners


Anonymous Architect has got to be the whiniest fucktard tugger I've read this week! Maybe AA should go have this conversation with the support staff at his company who won't even see anything but a pink slip after the buyout-and-quash of yet another up-and-coming tech company?

Bitching over only getting a half-mil at the end and 200K a year? At least Phil was complaining about unprofessional attitudes. You're complaining about how someone isn't paying you as much as you want for your self-overvalued skills? Seriously.

If your resume "glows so bright", why aren't you the CEO getting the 5% stock slot instead of lead technician, sorry 'architect', with 0.5%?!? Here's a clue, and I'll make it free so that I don't tap into the last $500K you made: CEO's get the 5-10% stock slot because they get off their asses and START SOMETHING.

So, START SOMETHING and cut yourself the 5, 10 or 90% you think you deserve for your pure-genious work. Maybe CEOs aren't the technocrati elite like you might consider yourself being. However, you glom on for the ride and bitch that you should get more?!? Like most technical types, you think that demonstrable knowledge is enough to deserve a big piece of some pie. If you want a big piece of pie, you gotta grab it yourself.

Better yet, bake the damn pie. Don't wait to be served...

Anonymous Architect

Tired, thank you for sharing your imbecilic naivety with us. Apparently you either have no fucking clue how software industry works in the Valley or haven't read my post attentively. Or, most likely, as common telltale sign of mentaly retarded individuals with short attention span, its both.

VC placed CEOs haven't founded anything in their lives. They are fucking pets who happen to be be in Ivy League when their VC pals was there, or have even more exotic backgrounds, like grown up in certain top caste in India and then decided that own family castle with 200 servants is nice (true story) but lots of US emploees in cubicles make way cooler slaves, so they moved their asses over here.

These clowns coudn't possibly start anything creative if they lives dependent on it. But after enterprenours of a kind you apparently admire have broken their backs creating company out of nothing, so now its healthy enough so even clueles moron at helm can make money with it, then VCs are moving in their professional CEO pet in. Afterwards, all founding team is kicked out as fast possible (faster == less of their stock vest == more stock for VCs & friends) they actually need to bring in some technical people back to do the actual work.

If your undeveloped brain hadn't grasped that yet, this whole process happens because VCs have that ability to swap technical talent controling big amount of stock (30%) with talent for 1-2% stock. This industry will remain fucked up and ruled by brainless MBAs and they pals, as long as we will have such clueless morons willing the sell their technical, and ofter real brilliance chaper then 2$ whore without reasoning of 8 year old "why the fuck i'm doing this? where i will be in 4 years with this company if they offer 5'x5' cubicle imprisonment for these potential scraps in cloudy future?" Then read my prev post from begining, again and again untill you see few rays of light pentereting through that thick scull of yours.....

Tired Of Whiners

The word "sour grapes" comes immediately to mind. I have worked with many startups that don't suffer from what you've stated.

Also, your gross over-generalizations and the belief that your limited personal experiences constitute the sum-total of reality is a product of your self-demonstrated overweening ego.

The fact that your crap doesn't stand the light of day should be evident that the first thing you had to do was back-off from your generaliztion of "all CEOs are retarted" to "all VC-placed CEOs are retarded". If we continue, you'll eventually get to "all one or two VC-placed CEOs I've worked with" and then what you say will actually be respectable and believable.

Whiners always think the rest of the world is the problem. It's called narcissism. Look it up and then get some help...

Also, while you are at it, look up supply-and-demand. Looks like you need an education there too...


I find it amazingly ironic that someone so disturbed by laziness would be too friggin' lazy to correctly capitalize damn near anything in his rant.


All Things Dave

You forgot:


This twerp's last line of code was written when Boy George and Flock of Seagulls were at their heydey.
This pain in the ass wants all the complexity of a teams development all wrapped up into a nice little Microsoft Project chart with a big fucking red bow.
Your mother died? Does that mean you will be two days off schedule? Your appendix burst? Does that mean you will be 3.7987 days and 2.6 hours behind schedule?
This douchebag is a clerk with a title. He's the one that prints all his emails and writes on them in pencil since he's too uncomfortable with modern technology.

The Pontificator:

This guys NEVER shuts up. He wanders from cubicle to cubicle looking to debate anyone on anything. He'll even follow you into the bathroom when you try to escape his rambling. Management is clueless as to his value on any project yet they never fire him but instead transfer him to unsuspecting bastards in another area.

Mad mike



Could you help me. Dance is the hidden language of the soul.
I am from Mali and also now teach English, give please true I wrote the following sentence: "They also must understand that allergy relief or long term allergy cure is not provided by taking anti histamines.Summing up approaches to allergic treatment kyo et al."

Thank you very much 8). Monika.

Chanel Purses

for some reason that is so fucking completely beyond me

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I wish Phil will gonna update this blog like he used to be.

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